Daily Rants and Raves

Continuing the Journey

Hello World,

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How goes it?

Well, I have been continuing the weight loss surgery journey.  Latest steps were the Upper GI, which I thought was an endoscopy, so on the day of the procedure, I went to the endoscopy unit.  They looked at me like I had 2 heads, they told me I had to go back down to the ultrasound area.  I went there – that was wrong too. Ugh. Turns out it was an Upper GI and I had to go to this tiny room right next to ultrasound.

They call me in and I have to get into a gown and then they tell me I have to drink ” the stuff”.  Now, I had nothing to eat or drink prior to this, an it was later in the afternoon.  “The Stuff” is nasty.  I mean like heavy liquid chalk. It is technically called Barium something or other.  So they have me stand up against this table thing and drink, on command. I get shivers just thinking about it.  Then they tell me they are going to lay me back so I literally get to the point where I am laying down in this machine.

What better time to have me roll around ? Seriously.  Roll over, like I am a damn dog. A big huge, fatty mcbutter dog.  SO I roll over a few times , then I get to lay on my stomach and drink a different nasty drink  – with a straw ….. ooohhhh ahhhhhh.  Still gross.

Its over and the doctor tells me it looks like I do have a hiatal hernia.  My doctor had told me that this was common so I wasn’t too worried when they told me what they suspected.  Later that week, my doctor called me and told me that I do have the hernia and I also have a Schatzki Ring in my esophagus.  Never heard of that before, guessing most of you have not heard of it either.

A Schatzki ring, also known as a Schatzki-Gary ring, is a narrowing of the lower part of the esophagus — a muscular tube through which food passes to the stomach.

Now, I very rarely get heart burn or acid reflux.  I am not on any medication for them other than the occasional Tums.  But based on the Upper GI – I have to have an Endoscopy.  Like the real one this time.  I wasn’t too nervous – the nurse I had was very nice.  It’s weird, I had ” mild sedation” they said but all I remember is them putting the thing in my mouth so I wouldn’t bite the scope, then I woke up.  Nothing too exciting .

Because I am a crazy person, I am constantly checking my doctors patient gateway to see test results.  My endoscopy comes in and it confirms the ring , but then it starts in with some medical mumbo jumbo and I have no clue what it means. Even googling ( which is THE WORST thing you could ever do when it comes to medical crap ) and even then, I am still confused. So, I emailed the doc, then called, yeah, I am a pain in the ass.  He called me back tonight ( which I think is cool, that he called me tonight ) an told me that my endoscopy showed inflammation of my esophagus but it it not a deal breaker! I can still have the surgery !

Hooray !

I was really worried that it was something serious, but I am so happy I can keep on the path.

Next up the pre op diet – starting on 6/5.  2 weeks of the pre op diet to shrink the liver down .

Bring it on !

Whats new in your world?

Have a great week everyone!

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Things to Think About

Conumdrum

co*num*druma confusing and difficult problem or question

 

Its no secret that I need to lose weight.  Now more than ever.

I am like the Stay Fucking Puft Marshmallow Man.

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( Actual Likeness)

I am the first to admit, I am by no means a healthy eater and it has been quite some time since I was able to do a proper workout.  I would love nothing more than to get into the gym and lift heavy shit.  I am so hopeful that this new medicine will allow me to resume my life.

Have you ever felt trapped?  Try being trapped in a body you don’t recognize.  I feel like the real me is buried underneath these layers of blubber and she is drowning. Suffocating. She is disentergrating.  It’s like I am stuck in here and my skin is going to burst.

Here is my issue – and by no means am I making excuses or blaming someone else for my situation…. The fact of the matter is very simple.

Up to the past week, I hurt.  My whole body was sore.  It is very difficult to do anything when you are in pain.  So maybe it is an excuse, but it is the reason I have not worked out or done anything remotely resembling exercise.  I don’t eat good either, can’t blame that on anyone either.  Current status is wicked sore left knee. Fuckin arthritis. UGHHH

I have allowed my disease to rule my life.  I am not proud of it, this is a badge I do not want.  But sadly , this has become my reality.  And not for nothing I do not even have a name for this disease.  I have a faceless demon ripping my life from me and I can’t even blame anything for it.  Its frustrating as hell.

  • Whole body pain
  • Fire skin
  • Exhaustion

These are for the most part,  daily occurances.  While I have had some relief from the pain depending on the different medication I have been on , it always comes back.

Tonight I will do my  6th Actemra injection.  All in all, so far, the whole body pain has subsided and  the fire skin has too.  My knees are killing me, but I am pretty sure that is more due to my ridiculous weight gain.

So here I am , wanting to work out, wanting to be a better version of me and here I sit, broken. That is my conumdrum.

When I went to the Sleep Disorder doc, she recommended that I check out the Center for weight Management at the hospital.  I said yes, figured I would get some tips and tricks and maybe, just maybe , be able to jump start my weight loss.

I am stuck in a vicious circle.

Need to lose weight —> In pain and hurts to move so I can’t exercise  —> depressed about it all —> Eat more and move less due to the pain and depression —->  Miserable all the time —> always exhausted —> New medicine ( yay!) —> soreness subsides EVERYWHERE EXCEPT MY KNEE! —-> Finally feeling better —> can’t do shit cause my knee makes it hard to move— Back where I started —> Need to lose weight

So at the appointment I get weighed in of course.  And the number is the highest it has ever been, like disgustingly high.  Didn’t help that I had to do it twice cause the nurse asked me to get on the scale then walked away, like I needed to see those big red numbers twice.  Ugh.

Then as I sit reeling from the metaphorical weight of my physical weight, the nurse lightly says ” I’ll take of 3 pounds for shoes and clothes”.

BIG SHIT,what difference does 3 pounds make?! Is that supposed to comfort me?

Doc comes in and I go over my history while she takes notes and reads my file.  When your doctor says ” oh boy ” multiple times….. kinda sucks.  So she non chalauntly says I am definitely a candidate for surgery, particularly the sleeve version.  Because of my ” complex medical history” and my ,current medications, she did not feel that putting me on the common weight loss pill would be good for me and would cause issues.  She prescribed a hormone shot that I will do every day that should help with cravings.  Of course I need to wait for the insurance to approve it, so , not sure how that will work just yet.

So , here I wait.  I was told the surgical team will call me to start the process and make sure I qualify.  And all my doctors need to approve as well.  1st step is an informational meeting that I need to attend.

I have to be honest, I never imagined that I would be someone considering weight loss surgery.  And I know that my current state is of my own doing , and if I do the surgery , to be successful I need to change a lot. And did I get some help from the meds I was on? I am sure I did, but I can’t blame being morbidly obese on them.

My life is my fault.  And maybe if I didn’t weigh so much , my Meganitis would not be as bad.  Who knows?  All I know is that I need to do something that gives me a fighting chance at feeling better.  Everything is connected.

The absolute worst thing about all of this weight shit is I did it to myself.  Its completely embarrassing being this gross thing that I have become.

Sometimes, I just don’t know who I am .  Like there is a version of myself I see in my head and she sees the outside and can’t get out or be heard.  I know I am a crazy person.

I just want to be happy.  Happy in myself, happy with myself, Happy in this life.  I just have 37 years of failure to contend with. Isn’t it awful that more often than not, we are our own worst enemies?

Cheers to new hopes on the horizon…

 

Just Keep Swimming and Don’t Stop Believing,
Xoxo Meg

 

 

 

 

 

Things to Think About

The Bittersweet Dance

I have been working on this one for over a week, forgive me for the past tenses.


 

 

After my mother passed away, my sisters and I decided to enroll all our girls in dance class.  The same dance studio that my mother went to , the same dance studio that we went to.  For years on Wednesday afternoons, we would make the half hour drive to Amesbury for our tap, ballet and jazz lessons. As I sat there waiting during my daughters class, so many memories flooded back. It didn’t  help that literally amongst the picture collages on the wall were some pictures of my mom.  Looking at her pictures, she was so full of life!  She was so happy. She loved dancing, she loved dancing school, she loved the family that owned the studio.  Its funny, so many people at her services commented on what a great dancer she was and how much she loved to dance, but honestly, I can’t remember when she was well enough in recent years to actually dance.  I bet it had been 10 years or more.

It was so bittersweet,  heartbreaking actually.

It seems like this week everything has been crappy.  I am still dealing with armpit issue.  They hurt so darn bad. Still.  I went to the doctors on Monday. More blood work.  If my levels were high, then Pet scan would be ordered.  My levels are elevated by not high enough I guess.  My doctor is also trying to get me on a different medication that may help me better.

In the meantime, I am still in pain and I am still sore.

I am struggling with my disease, that’s what the doctor is calling it.  Though the whole thing isn’t fully named, I am really having  a hard time.  I don’t know even how to explain it.  Just being is difficult.  It is hard getting out of bed, getting dressed, all my daily activities.  I have faith that I  will get an answer eventually  and that I will have a regimen that works for me. In the meantime though, Things suck.

I want to feel better, more than anything.  I am terrified that I am cursed with my moms poor health and that I am doomed to follow her path. And I know, I know, situations are entirely different , and yes, I am most likely being dramatic, but  I don’t want that. I don’t want to deal with this crap the rest of my life. I want to live the best life possible.  I just don’t know how to do this.

I am wrestling with my emotions and reality.  What am I supposed to be or do ?

I need to lose this weight. I need to be better and I need to move. But I can’t while I feel this awful on a regular basis . I need just need to have faith that answers and treatment plan will come soon .  Its hard .

My mother always saw the light through the dark.  The positive through the negative.  The love above loss.   I wish so much I could be like that , and I swear I am trying .  I just at a loss on how to execute it.

Hopefully one day I will rise above and be able to live this life the best way I can .

Until then, I will just keep swimming.

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Things to Think About

Weekend Wrap Up

I had a pretty good weekend !  How about you ? 

I was up really early on Saturday , 4:30 am , had to be to work for 6 am .  Then it was a 10 hr day . Usually after working on Saturday  I need to take a nap . I was pretty exhausted when I got home but it was almost 5 so I just kinda relaxed . 

We had dinner then I decided I wanted to try and go for a walk . There is a rail trail about 10 mins from my house , so the hubs and I headed there .  

Lo and behold , I walked and survived. I survived all 2.4 miles !!! 

2.4 miles !!!!

I was dying at the end of the walk but I am so glad I did it . 

Then today , my daughter and I headed to my sisters house . First off was some Pokémon Go , my daughter and nephew had a blast . We walked around for a while, had some lunch , then headed back to the house for swimming . 

It was definitely not as warm as I would have liked but , I wanted to get some water aerobics (or my version of them ) in .


I was in the pool for about 45 minutes , running , walking , did high knees , jumping jacks and some actual swimming .  

Man , was I tired after that , honestly, still am .  But – again , I did it ! 

Not only did I get in exercise this weekend , I am down 8 lbs since I got back in the wagon ! 

Cheers to a great week everyone! 

Things to Think About

This Fall’s Charity Challenges !

How are you doing with your Charity Challenges?  Have you run a race in honor of someone?  Donated to a charity?  Participated in a walk for a cause?  Or did you just donate to a cause?

 

This fall, I am participating in a couple of different events.

 

This Sunday I am walking with my sister’s in laws in the Walk to End Alzheimer’s in Boston .

Walk_to_End_Alzheimers

My sisters mother in law passed away recently from this terrible disease. I love the family and I am proud to walk with them . If you interested in donating , you can find the information here .

 

Also, this October, I am participating the Barbells for Boobs event at my gym.

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This is a workout where we raise money for Breast Cancer early detection in young folks. For just $80, one more person will know that they are living with Breast Cancer.  This is staggering to me. My grandmother, while she did not have breast cancer when she was young, she is a survivor having been diagnosed later in life.  If you are interested in donating or participating, you can find the information here.

 

I think if we all gave some of our time to a great cause, the world would be so much better of a place.

 

So get out there and do some good !

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Daily Rants and Raves

Early to bed, Early to Rise

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I am slowly getting into my new routine of morning classes . I have gone to the 5 am class . I am soooo not a morning person . But I am freaking determined to get my workouts in , no matter what .

That means a 4:15 am alarm. Sweet Baby Jesus. What on earth was I thinking ? That is what I kept saying to myself the ride to the gym yesterday . But the workout had snatches and box jumps which are my favorites, so I just focused on that .

We warmed up and went over the workout .
12 rounds
3 wall climbs
6 alt Db snatches – 30 lbs
12 box jumps

At first I grabbed a 22 lb weight figuring I would ease back into it instead of going to the 35 lbs I used to do. But , yeah , that was too light . So up to the 30 I went . I still used the 12″ box and instead of the 2 plates I would use before , I opted for (1) 45 lb plate. I figured it was shorten than I used to do . I can do it , no problemo .

Cha right ! The universe had other plans and apparently they had it out for my shins . I took my first jump and promptly missed the top instead coming down on either side of the box . Got some nice bruises. But hey, it’s all good ! I kept on going , took the plate off, but kept going.

My goal was 6 rounds . Knowing it would take me forever I figured if I got through half I would be happy .
Lo and behold – guess who got through almost 10 rounds ! Technically 9+17.

I felt so great the rest of the day, which I honestly was not really expecting.

 

Today’s class I was on the fence about going into it.

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Push jerks 65 lbs

Power cleans 65 lbs

I used to be able to do 75 lbs, so I figured I would go for 55 lbs.  Everyone else in the class could go heavier.  But, 55 lbs ended up being way too light, so I went to 65 lbs.

This work out looks pretty easy, but if you dropped the bar during each set – like the 8th rep of the 10 set, then your penalty was 30 Mountain climbers.  I figured for sure there were going to be tons of Mountain Climbers for me to do .

But, when I got the 1st set of 10 done, I knew I could do it.  I just kept going , taking breaks between the sets and not the reps.  The goal was 20 minutes.  I thought for certain it was never going to happen, but guess who banged it out in 17:39?  This gal!!!!

It was just what I needed to get me pumped.  It wasn’t a PR, it wasn’t my best ever, but its the best I have been in so long, so I was down right thrilled!!!

Excited to see what tomorrow brings 🙂

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Daily Rants and Raves

Getting it together

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Hello there peeps!

I know its been a bit and  I am sorry for that.  Truth is, its been a crappy summer as far as my fitness is concerned.  I went back to class this week, but the early am class. 5 am.  That was tough, but I gotta make it work because I NEED to get my workouts in.  Honestly, I am so darn disappointed in myself.  Granted, I did not fall completely off the wagon, but my wagon took such a detour, its in another country right now.  I could of been in a completely different place on my journey and that sucks.  We have a lot going on ( I know I always say that ) but that’s the realness here.

We all have shit.  Good. Bad. Indifferent.  Who we are and how we react dictates who we are.  Now, you could knock me , as you should, for letting my shit take me down a few notches.  I looked at it, and this summer, I went to 7 classes.  7.  Sweet Baby Jesus.  So pissed at myself.  The old Meg would of let this set back derail her and I have yet to do that. So there, victory.  And thank goodness, I have not gained back all the weight.  I will admit, I have gained back some, but we are not at Def Con 5 status yet with the weight.

So, I went back this week.  It was the Cross Fit Benchmark Nancy.  If you recall, I have done Nancy before.  But, when I woke up at 4 am and saw that, I was like ” You gotta be kidding me”.  My first day back and its freaking running! Ugh.  I almost got back into bed.  But I can’t keep “running away”.  So, I put on my running sneakers and headed out the door.

For those unfamiliar – this is Nancy:

5 rounds for time

400 m run

15 OH squats 65 lbs

 

Of course, my running is the part I was freaking out about.  I knew I could scale the OH Squats, but the running, Good Lord the running….   We did the whole work out outside, which was so very nice.  We did not have to go up the blasted stairs.  They kill me each time.

I started my first run and honestly, It wasn’t too bad.  I don’t know how, but I didn’t have a hard time with it.  The squats, I used just the training bar 15 lbs 😦

Last time, I did it with 20 lbs.  I probably could of done 20 lbs, but it was my first day back and I did not want to push it. 2nd run, I think I did pretty good on that one too.  3rd run – for-get-it.  I had to walk alot.  4th and 5th runs too.  I just could not run the whole time, stinks but it is what it is.  In the end my time was 28:43.  Quicker than last time I did it.  Just sucked it was 5 lbs lighter and I had to walk some.  I guess it is not a good example of benchmark.  I can’t really compare it to last time properly.  In the end, it felt soooo good to be back where I belong working out.

That night, my husband and I went over to the gym.  I figured, what the heck.   I did 10 mins on the treadmill as a warm up, then did some machines.  I have made the decision, that I really hate those machines.  I don’t feel like I am pushing myself.  I would much rather do the things we do in Crossfit instead of sitting at a machine flipping my arms up and down.  After that, it was over to the weights….. ahh, much better.  I had a lot of fun showing my husband different things with the barbells.

I need to get my shit together so I can reach my goals before I am 90.  I have gotta keep swimming 🙂

 

I am so thankful for all of you who take the time to read my rants and raves.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart for coming on this journey, your words of encouragement and for allowing me into your lives, be it for a laugh or a cry.

We have a busy weekend ahead of us, I have to work today, but I plan on getting over to the gym to get some sort of workout in.  Gotta get at it!

 

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