Daily Rants and Raves

Frustrated in Undiagnosed Land

 

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I had a good run.  From February to September has been the longest time I since I got sick that I have been relatively  flare free. A few small little flares , but otherwise, its been good.  The past month or so , I have noticed the flare getting worse.  It hasn’t subsided.

Arm pits sore, necklace of pain in full effect. Whole Body soreness.  I know I have said it before, I am so fucking over this.

I have an appointment with my Rhumy  coming up, I am not even sure what he can do at this point. But I am going to try and be positive.  I am hoping maybe something will explain why the sudden flare.

Its very hard to be positive. I am trying, I swear, its just so damn hard.  No one understands , because no one knows what the fuck this is.  Like, if you have a disease, chances are there are other  patients who you can relate to and who understand what you are going through.  With Meganitis, I ain’t got shit.

While I am thankful that this is not something that has killed me and I am thankful it is not worse than it is, it truly is awful.  I have resigned myself to the fact that this is something I will never be able to give a proper name and that I will have to deal with the rest of my life.  I just wish the treatment was working.

It’s a terrifying thought that I will potentially be in pain for the rest of my life.  On the Brightside, I guess I can say that I now have a high tolerance for pain.

I am sorry for throwing the pity party.  Some days this really just gets to me and the constant pain I have been in today is exhausting.

Thank you to all of you for coming on the swim with me.  The ups and downs , its nice to have some company on the ride.

thXW3ORQP0

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Milestones

Reboot = Reignite = Rejuvenate

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Reboot

Looking back on this year so far, and UGH.  UGH CITY.  In fact, I am THE MAYOR OF UGH CITY.   On one hand, I am pissed. So pissed at myself, for getting into all these funks and straying off my path and what I NEED to do.  I have not worked out nearly as much as I should, I have gained weight back, and I feel like shit.  I have had some legit reasons for not making all my classes, but still, it stinks.  I have made piss poor eating decisions which doesn’t help either.  I failed, badly.  Time to Reboot!

But…. Here’s the good part – the old Meg would of let all of these bumps and hiccups knock her down, and keep her off the path.  I am still here ! I am conscious of the now and what I need to do! I haven’t fallen completely off the wagon, I am still dangling ,dragging along the back .   So, on the other hand, this is the best I have ever done, stuck it out more than anything I have done before. I AM going to get back at it.

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Reignite

I am back at it Wednesday this week – I have been out of the gym for a while due to the vertigo/ concussion symptoms I had.  Scary shit.  Doctor said no strenuous activity.  I am so excited to workout.  I seriously love working out, I love Cross Fit, I love my gym, I love my coaches, I love my community there.  The whole package is nothing but amazing.  It is such a great feeling after a killer WOD. Good Lord I miss it!!! I have reignited the flame that drove me.  I feel like I say this shit all the time, but for me, this is a constant process and constant journey.  So yeah, I am gonna say stuff this all the time, but that is just me keeping it real, like I tend to do.  This is real life.  Real ups and real downs,  at least that is what folks tell me they enjoy about my blog.

I always try, admittedly not as much as I should, but there are times, I try my damnedest.  I need to try harder for me.  I have goals and dreams and aspirations of who I want to be. What I want to be.  I know for certain, its not this current costume I am trapped in.  This reminds me of a poem I wrote back in 2011.

Adrift

Staring at the reflection in the mirror
The stranger she knows so well
the horrid eyes that look back
Her lids cannot shut fast enough
There is a person there, in there somewhere and she screams
Dear God does she scream
Misunderstood for so very long, she is stuck
The zipper on this clown suit is jammed and she is a prisoner
She tries to yell, to fight, to win
She is silent, she can’t move and she loses
Dying to win this fight
Aching to find the girl that was lost
APB’s and milk cartons are not cutting it
She cannot give up

I AM DYING TO WIN THIS FIGHT.  I AM ACHING TO FIND THE GIRL I LOST.  I WILL NOT GIVE UP!

You know I love writing my poetry.  Its such a release for me.  I don’t tend to share as much as I write.  I suppose cause I write for just myself and I don’t think others would get it… but then again, maybe they would.  I don’t know.  But I do know, in reading back some of my past poems, I have used that stuck zipper reference quite a few times.  See – I don’t belong in this body.  I need to fight my way out of it.

And don’t get me wrong, this body has carried 3 perfect, healthy, beautiful children.  There is something to be said for that I guess.  And there are some people who are perfectly happy to be larger, plus size, obese even.  Its all about what makes YOU happy.  Right now, this body is not where I am happy and I am going to fix it.

 

Rejuvenate

I feel like a weight has been lifted off of me for lack of a better term.  I know for certain I am a different person, than I was before .  I may not be taking the journey exactly as I had hoped, and it may be taking me way longer, and I may have taken 10 steps back, but I realize it.  This is something I never ever would of admitted or done before.  Like Ever.

 

So, here I am .

 

Back to the beginning it feels.

 

Determined to keep it going.  Determined to Keep Swimming. I still got some fight left in me 🙂

I hope you will continue following the journey with me .

 

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Things to Think About

Red to Gray

 

Did I say UGH?

Cause what I meant was UGH.

 

 

Let me just start off by saying how ugh I am right now . I am so incredibly pissed at myself and Wednesday nights workout was the icing on the damn cake .

I realize I have sucked lately , I am trying to get my groove back and failing miserably . I am trying to eat better and get this extra weight off that I put back on , I think I’m doing good and bam! Wednesday failure , fucking ugh . And I have no one to blame but myself but, throw me a fricken bone here !

So yesterday , here’s what happened:
Wednesdays workout was :
1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10 thrusters (I used 60 lbs)
20-18-16-14-12-10-8-6-4-2 box jumps ( I used 12″ box with 45 lb plate )
So it was thrusters, box jumps , thrusters , box jumps , you get the idea. I love box jumps , since I have been able to get on the box , it is my most favorite move , by far . So I was pumped for this , figured I could finish this in the time given. Thrusters would suck but I could do this . Timer goes off and we start going . For as long as I can remember when ever I do any sort of physical activity, my face gets red, I can feel it. Always been that way . This was an intense workout so of course I am going to be red. I didn’t think too much of it when my coach Jane came over to check on me , they usually check in with everyone , we get amazing personal attention . But as the workout went on , I could tell I was off , way off , to the point where I knew I had to stop. I was fighting back tears because I once again let myself down on something I CAN do and do pretty well. I stood by the window to get some fresh air and Jane checks in on me again and tells me I have gone from ” bright red to gray” a hilarious thought actually but serious and shitty . I sat down , I was shaking , trying to breathe / catch my breath. I just sat there and watched the rest of the class finish . My friend Jen, grabbed me a protein bar and it hit me that I hadn’t eaten much that day . I wolfed that sucker down . What a fuckin idiot I was , I was doing this workout and only ate a bowl of American chop Suey the whole day ! So stupid !

I  feel like I am constantly failing myself and its driving me nuts.  This journey is all me.  No one decides this – just me.  It is so mental its crazy.  I have been stuck and I swear its tar.  I was so upset driving home.

But, it was just one workout.  One day.  As much as I feel stuck and frustrated, the old me would of been derailed.  So, what did I do?

I went right back to class Thursday and was psyched!

Thursday I finished my workout in time and PR’d my Front Squats! Oh Fucking Yeah!

Here is how I did:

Front Squat Strength 5×3

3 x 65lbs, 3 x 65 lbs, 3 x 75 lbs, 3x 75 lbs, 3 x 80 lbs! <—————   PR BABY!!!

Workout for Time

5 Rounds

5 Ring Dips

25 Double unders

Time 11:54

I am still on the green band to assist with my dips, but I was finally able to lock my arms and keep the rings closer to me.  It felt great!  The DU, Coach Holly let me use her speed rope.  Boy! I did so much better than I have done lately with them.  I whipped the shit out of myself, but I did more DU’s than I have in such a long time, it felt so good.

 

Now, the ultimate sign, that yes, I am growing and changing.  Today my office got take out from Kelly’s Roast Beef.  A Boston classic.  I have written before about their cheesy fries.  Good Lord are they delicious.   I opted for the grilled chicken sandwich.  Yes, I suppose a salad would of been the healthiest choice, but for me, resisting the cheesy fries as they danced in front of me, tray after tray after delicious tray, was a VICTORY.

 

 

I have to keep swimming along, if I don’t , I am going to sink to the bottom, and AIN’T NO BODY GOT TIME FOR THAT!

For those who have seen the Sweet Brown Video – enjoy.  If you have not seen it, check it out.   It is Hilarious!

 

This gave me a chuckle!
This gave me a chuckle!

 

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Daily Rants and Raves

Return of Lead Legs

***Strong language in this one kids….

 

Normally, when I see that there are running elements in my workouts, I prepare.  Mentally and Physically. I will do stretches through out the day, on my lunch, I will walk on my heels down the hall, push down on my calves as I go up the stairs, you know, little things during the process of my day.  I believe that is what is making it easier for me to run, or saunter-jog if you will.  Well, yesterday, I forgot. SWEET BABY JESUS! Did I ever pay the price!

The first run – I did ok – the second – Oh my Sweet Baby – thought I was gonna die.  I ran the whole thing, but when I was done, my calves were in so much pain, it was really hard to get up the stairs back into the gym.  One of the things I was taught on the stairs is to hang you heels off the stair and press down on them, it helps a lot, but last night – it hurt so bad.

After i made it back into the gym, box jumps was part of the next round. I love box jumps – now that I can do them, I like them a lot.  I could barely get myself on the box.  That was beyond frustrating.

I fucking hate that my body sucks. And I fucking hate that  my body is huge. And I fucking hate that  I am trying to better myself here and I can’t do things!  What the hell?!?!  It is beyond frustrating.  I couldn’t even do the last run.  I have never said ” I can’t” in any workout to any move  since I started.  And last night I said it – ” I can’t do the last run”  It was devastating to me.   Completely devastating.  UGH

I know, I know, it will get better when I lose some of this weight,  but it is such a kick in the stomach, trying to do this and not being able to.

Sorry for the rant, just had to get it out there.

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Daily Rants and Raves

You gotta make the time to Commit to You!

Last week was very busy for me, and this week proves to be just as busy – culminating at the end with the wedding of my good friends, Andrea and Lowell. So, knowing I will be stuffing my face with all sorts of goodies and most likely being drunk as a skunk, I damn well better make sure I get my workouts in.

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No matter how busy we are, we always have enough time to make excuses.  I should know because I always had an excuse about why I could not work out or why I could not do something. I was famous for not having the right things lined up.  I felt I needed to have things a certain way to best optimize my process.  And when things would go wrong, it would totally knock me off my game. It would set me back and I could not move on.  What a load of crap!  UGH!

Why was I like that?  Why are any of us like that?  I can’t be the only one that struggles or else you wouldn’t be here reading this, lol.

Why is it so easy  to put things off that will actually help us?  And not just for us, but out loved ones?

For me, my weight just kept going up and going up and going up.  I would bitch and moan and kinda do something, but really half assed. I would not put in the work to change what I was bitching about.  I know I drove my husband nuts, cause I would bitch and he would say ” so do something about it”.  And I never really would.

When my weight hit the highest it had ever been, I knew I had to do something.  When all my clothes were so much tighter and I was getting 3x clothes, I knew I had to do something.  I knew I had to do something DIFFERENT.  I was telling myself I had to do something, falling into the same routine and then it happened.  My friend starting telling me about these classes she was taking.  I am thankful everyday that my friend Jamie introduced me to Befit, where I workout and my amazing coaches.  It was the right program for me at the right time.

For each of us, we need to find what works for us.  Christ, it took my 14 years to find what works for me and something I can dive into and something I can progress at.

But honestly, if YOU cannot commit to YOU, why should anyone else?  It has taken me such a long time to understand and really realize this.

Its my hope that along this journey, someone else may take those baby steps sooner than they would have to better themselves.

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So yes, busy week, but you know I am hitting the gym! Worked out last night, tomorrow and Thursday, and even Saturday before the wedding.

NO EXCUSES! NO BULLSHIT!

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Daily Rants and Raves

Run Meg Run! Or Not….

So tonight’s workout had running in it, my most formidable foe.

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It is no secret, me and running, we are not friends.  I want to have a relationship, but running is just not ready to give me what I need.  Or mainly my body is not ready to make it happen.

My calves seize up like you would not believe.  It sucks and not to mention, painful.  It feels as if my legs have been dipped in lead.

We had to do (2) 800 meter runs.  My second run, I was seriously considering crawling back to the gym cause they hurt so bad.

I am Frustrated! I know, I know, what else is new?  I knew we were running last night when the work out was posted. I prepped for it, knowing my calves tighten up.  I did stretches through out the day.  I stretched last night. I mentally prepared – psyched my self for it!  Hoping that all of it, would make it a lil bit easier.  Ah, no. Alas it did not.

What stinks is I get going, feeling good,keep telling myself to Keep Swimming,  then I pass a dumpster ( that belongs to my company 🙂    )  and then my calves start to go.  Always the same spot. UGH!

It took me forever, but at least I finished tonight.  Its all progress.

I will get there. I want to. Hopefully as I loose weight and get stronger, it will be easier for me.

Someday…..

But for now – Gotta Keep Swimming!

Meg 🙂

 

 

 

 

 

Daily Rants and Raves

But Mom….I don’t wanna eat my veggies!!!!

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So yes, I admit it, I HATE vegetables.  I really don’t like fruit either. Salad? Ugh, I hate the texture of lettuce, like seriously.  Am I childish? Of course? Is this immature? You betcha! But I don;t like them and I never did. My kids like fruits and veggies, I can do with out them.

But I am at the point – that I can’t be like this anymore. I have to make major changes and frankly, suck it up. Ugh.  I have a friend that makes these amazing lunches for her kids that is all healthy good for you food – www.facebook.com/thefunlunch        Check out the page – it is cool beans.  But to my point, her kids eat these great foods and no knock to my upbringing but maybe if we all made it fun and colorful when the kids are small, they will enjoy them more.

I am never going to lose this weight unless I eat better.  I am working my butt off at my work outs, and I am seeing results.  I just need to make some changes to my diet.  Okay,okay, MAJOR changes to my diet.  Why do they have to make pasta and bread so yummy?  I wish they just tasted horrible, especially when they are dripping with creamy sauce with chicken and cheese, and ohh don;t forget the dipping oil for the rolls! Jesus! See what I mean?!?!

I ain’t gonna lie, The Olive Gardens breadsticks with their Alfredo dipping sauce is seriously some of the best shit I have ever eaten.  Loaded with sodium though, and last time I had it, made me sick.  Haven’t been back since.   I suppose that is a teeny tiny victory.  I just try to remember how crappy I felt afterwards, so not worth it.  And don;t even get me started on the Cheesecake Factory…. a whole restaurant dedicated to cheesecake?  Yum City!

Why do they have to make it so hard to eat good?

I am working on it though, baby steps.

Gotta keep swimming 🙂

Meg