This week has been particularly awful as far as my Meganitis goes. This is the most pain I have been since this whole thing began. On the positive side though – I started the actemra this week after several rejections for this and other medications that might help. Just in time too – my inflammation is way up, blood work was high. Down side is that it could take 3 weeks for this to kick in.
So, my life right now is just ugh. I have been trying to be positive about everything but the struggle is real. It is very hard to maintain any sort of joy when you are in constant pain.
To be honest, I started this post last week, its been sitting here brewing, all my thoughts jumbling around my brain. I want to say so much but its just hard to get out.
So yes, last week was one of the worse on record for me. In addition to the excruciating pain, my inflammation was “way up ” per my doctor. I started my new medication, I am doing Actemra shots every week. I have been rejected for other medications by my insurance company and last week came THE talk with my doctor . You know the one, the one where the doctor says ” Can I be honest with you?” you say ” yes of course” and he says ” I don’t know what is wrong with you and we are trying everything I know . Nothing is getting better and you are getting worse. If this doesn’t work, we may have talk about if I am the right doctor for you or a visit to the pain clinic”
To sum up :
- No Stills disease which he previously said I had
- Getting worse, not better
- Inflammation way up
- Actemra is my hail mary pass – if it doesn’t work not sure where we will go, co pay is $40 for a month supply, pricey , but if that is what it costs to feel good – so be it
- My “foggy brain” seems to be fixed by switching my Gabapentin to a different med at night ( I guess 1500 mg is a high dose?) That I have definitely noticed a difference. I was not as forgetful and felt like I had a clearer head.
I capped off the week taking time off from work to rest. I have to say, doing nothing for days was exactly what I needed to recharge. I did my second Actemra shot last night and returned to work today .
It is so hard not to allow this demon sickness to take over my life. It has so much become who I am and I fucking hate it. And as much as I hate it, I don’t know how to change it. My day to day depends on something I cannot even put a name to. I have no fix , I have no cure, I have no name . I am a guinea pig after 9 different doctors. What is the most shocking is that these are the best doctors in the world and they still do not know the cause of this. Its getting old hearing ” maybe they will name a disease after you …” Like fucking really ?
I have to think about every step I take, and if the pain is bad enough, I have to think about how I will sit, how I will walk or hobble.
It sucks being in constant pain. It sucks being constantly exhausted. It sucks having skin that feels like it is on fire. It sucks having your armpits swell and hurt. It sucks when your neck hurts. It sucks getting random lumpy lumps ( thank God, I have not had in quite some time ) It sucks looking at yourself in the mirror and seeing a completely expanded distorted unrecognizable version of yourself. It sucks not being able to move and exercise to make yourself the person you knew.
Pain is ugly .
Pain is strong. Much stronger than I thought.
And I am weak.
I keep trying to find the way. Any way that I can resume my life and get out of this mud filled funk. I hate feeling the way I do . And I know , you are probably saying , suck it up , or change your life then, but if you have ever been in never ending pain, you know it is easier said than done.
Like seriously , when will it end?
Soooo, bringing us to today :
I actually feel more better today than I have felt in a very long time. I want more than anything to declare my love for this medication , thinking that it is responsible for this feeling, but the pessimist in me tells me to hold off on that parade just yet.
I felt better today and that is a small victory that I will take and hold on to. I have gotten much better with the acceptance of the little victories instead of getting pissed I am not well. I can only hope that I will continue to go up from here and not slip back down into this pit from Hell that my life has succumbed to.
I like to think that I am a strong person, but to be honest, I just want to curl in a ball on my bed and wait for this to pass over. Wishful thinking …. that it will actually pass. I have definitely become more of a headcase through this, which sucks. I am looking into therapists to see if that will help me at all.
I don’t feel normal. Like what do you say when someone says ” How are you ?” do I lie and say ” Great ! Never better !” or do I tell the truth and say ” I’m in a shit ton of pain with no end in sight, how you doin’?” Then I have to explain everything, which for folks to understand what I have going on, I have to do it.
Maybe I will print out cards to carry around with me….. ” Meganitis , the bad and the ugly, there is no good…”
I think of my mother everyday and I how I want to make her proud. She dealt with so much medical crap, I don’t know how she did it. I wish I had one ounce of her strength . She dealt with so many things medically and she never let it affect her spirit. Mean while my spirit seems to be sucking me away like the bad spirits in he movie Ghost
Mum didn’t stop believing and I have to believe there will be better days to come.
Until then, I will Just Keep Swimming… cause ….
Don’t Stop Believing and Just Keep Swimming , feels good to say them together .
Good words to live by, guess I need to take my own advice…..