Looking back on this year so far, and UGH. UGH CITY. In fact, I am THE MAYOR OF UGH CITY. On one hand, I am pissed. So pissed at myself, for getting into all these funks and straying off my path and what I NEED to do. I have not worked out nearly as much as I should, I have gained weight back, and I feel like shit. I have had some legit reasons for not making all my classes, but still, it stinks. I have made piss poor eating decisions which doesn’t help either. I failed, badly. Time to Reboot!
But…. Here’s the good part – the old Meg would of let all of these bumps and hiccups knock her down, and keep her off the path. I am still here ! I am conscious of the now and what I need to do! I haven’t fallen completely off the wagon, I am still dangling ,dragging along the back . So, on the other hand, this is the best I have ever done, stuck it out more than anything I have done before. I AM going to get back at it.
I am back at it Wednesday this week – I have been out of the gym for a while due to the vertigo/ concussion symptoms I had. Scary shit. Doctor said no strenuous activity. I am so excited to workout. I seriously love working out, I love Cross Fit, I love my gym, I love my coaches, I love my community there. The whole package is nothing but amazing. It is such a great feeling after a killer WOD. Good Lord I miss it!!! I have reignited the flame that drove me. I feel like I say this shit all the time, but for me, this is a constant process and constant journey. So yeah, I am gonna say stuff this all the time, but that is just me keeping it real, like I tend to do. This is real life. Real ups and real downs, at least that is what folks tell me they enjoy about my blog.
I always try, admittedly not as much as I should, but there are times, I try my damnedest. I need to try harder for me. I have goals and dreams and aspirations of who I want to be. What I want to be. I know for certain, its not this current costume I am trapped in. This reminds me of a poem I wrote back in 2011.
Staring at the reflection in the mirror
The stranger she knows so well
the horrid eyes that look back
Her lids cannot shut fast enough
There is a person there, in there somewhere and she screams
Dear God does she scream
Misunderstood for so very long, she is stuck
The zipper on this clown suit is jammed and she is a prisoner
She tries to yell, to fight, to win
She is silent, she can’t move and she loses
Dying to win this fight
Aching to find the girl that was lost
APB’s and milk cartons are not cutting it
She cannot give up
I AM DYING TO WIN THIS FIGHT. I AM ACHING TO FIND THE GIRL I LOST. I WILL NOT GIVE UP!
You know I love writing my poetry. Its such a release for me. I don’t tend to share as much as I write. I suppose cause I write for just myself and I don’t think others would get it… but then again, maybe they would. I don’t know. But I do know, in reading back some of my past poems, I have used that stuck zipper reference quite a few times. See – I don’t belong in this body. I need to fight my way out of it.
And don’t get me wrong, this body has carried 3 perfect, healthy, beautiful children. There is something to be said for that I guess. And there are some people who are perfectly happy to be larger, plus size, obese even. Its all about what makes YOU happy. Right now, this body is not where I am happy and I am going to fix it.
I feel like a weight has been lifted off of me for lack of a better term. I know for certain I am a different person, than I was before . I may not be taking the journey exactly as I had hoped, and it may be taking me way longer, and I may have taken 10 steps back, but I realize it. This is something I never ever would of admitted or done before. Like Ever.
So, here I am .
Back to the beginning it feels.
Determined to keep it going. Determined to Keep Swimming. I still got some fight left in me 🙂
I hope you will continue following the journey with me .