Things to Think About

The Bittersweet Dance

I have been working on this one for over a week, forgive me for the past tenses.


 

 

After my mother passed away, my sisters and I decided to enroll all our girls in dance class.  The same dance studio that my mother went to , the same dance studio that we went to.  For years on Wednesday afternoons, we would make the half hour drive to Amesbury for our tap, ballet and jazz lessons. As I sat there waiting during my daughters class, so many memories flooded back. It didn’t  help that literally amongst the picture collages on the wall were some pictures of my mom.  Looking at her pictures, she was so full of life!  She was so happy. She loved dancing, she loved dancing school, she loved the family that owned the studio.  Its funny, so many people at her services commented on what a great dancer she was and how much she loved to dance, but honestly, I can’t remember when she was well enough in recent years to actually dance.  I bet it had been 10 years or more.

It was so bittersweet,  heartbreaking actually.

It seems like this week everything has been crappy.  I am still dealing with armpit issue.  They hurt so darn bad. Still.  I went to the doctors on Monday. More blood work.  If my levels were high, then Pet scan would be ordered.  My levels are elevated by not high enough I guess.  My doctor is also trying to get me on a different medication that may help me better.

In the meantime, I am still in pain and I am still sore.

I am struggling with my disease, that’s what the doctor is calling it.  Though the whole thing isn’t fully named, I am really having  a hard time.  I don’t know even how to explain it.  Just being is difficult.  It is hard getting out of bed, getting dressed, all my daily activities.  I have faith that I  will get an answer eventually  and that I will have a regimen that works for me. In the meantime though, Things suck.

I want to feel better, more than anything.  I am terrified that I am cursed with my moms poor health and that I am doomed to follow her path. And I know, I know, situations are entirely different , and yes, I am most likely being dramatic, but  I don’t want that. I don’t want to deal with this crap the rest of my life. I want to live the best life possible.  I just don’t know how to do this.

I am wrestling with my emotions and reality.  What am I supposed to be or do ?

I need to lose this weight. I need to be better and I need to move. But I can’t while I feel this awful on a regular basis . I need just need to have faith that answers and treatment plan will come soon .  Its hard .

My mother always saw the light through the dark.  The positive through the negative.  The love above loss.   I wish so much I could be like that , and I swear I am trying .  I just at a loss on how to execute it.

Hopefully one day I will rise above and be able to live this life the best way I can .

Until then, I will just keep swimming.

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Things to Think About

Signs on a Saturday

Hi everyone. How’s the weekend treating you ?  I had a very busy Saturday . Which I am already paying for . My body is screaming today . And I slept pretty darn awful . But let’s focus on the positives of yesterday . 

I made what is becoming my weekly pilgrimage to see Mum . This week my daughter picked out a red heart balloon that says ” I Love You” and we picked out a bouquet of various colored roses .  It’s hard for me to go to the cemetery. I guess it’s the part where I leave her there . All alone . I feel like putting in a couch there for us to go sit and talk to her , lol. I think though I want to get her some of those solar lights so it’s not so dark for her . 

I’m trying to deal with my mothers death in a healthy way , but really , how fucked up is that ? A healthy way ? What does that even mean ? How is any of this healthy or right ? Healthy should of been what she was . And right is definitely , what this is not . 

I also trying to get my emotions under control because the more upset I am, the more prone to flares I am.  I seem to be in a flare state since my mother died and I am in a lot of pain , physically and emotionally. I am hopeful my recent change in meds will help with this, but so far no . 

So ,back to my day . We go see Mum , then head for a quick visit with my dad . Then we head to get our hair done . My desperate need for cut and color and my daughters back to school cut . We get there early so we  walk around hunting Pokémon . Lots of walking around . We get our hair done , head to pick up my oldest from work and head home . The hubs and I went out for the night to celebrate our 18 year anniversary. 

We get home late and I am so exhausted. I’m trying to get to sleep when my daughter comes in upset about Nana. She is crying and inconsolable.  She’s clutching her bunny Pinky which her and Nana made together at Build a Bear . Seeing her like this just breaks me . I’m trying to comfort her and myself at the same time . So I tell her about the Signs . Signs that Nana will show her that she is there and with her . I tell her a story about how a cardinal came in the yard the other night while I was talking with my dad . How I know it was Nana . I tell her how even though she can’t hear her say “Hi Maddie , I am here ” she will let her know that she is there with her . I give her a blanket of my mothers for her to sleep with and I head to her room to tuck her in . When I get to her room she holds up 2 Beanie Babies . 

Wouldn’t you know ? ONE WAS A CARDINAL ! I burst into tears again . I told her that Nana was letting you know she was here already! I don’t know who it comforted more , me or her . 

Even in death, Mum is still looking out for us and giving us what we need . Absolutely incredible. 

One of my most favorite movies is The Crow. We even named our dog , Draven , when I was a teenager after the main character, Eric Draven. Mum loved that dog .  This is one of my favorite quotes from that film :

” If the people we love are stolen from us, the way to have them live on is to never stop loving them. Buildings burn, people die, but real love is forever.”


Real love . Real love extends beyond a significant other . Real love extends beyond our children , our parents . Real love is love we have for those in our life we would do anything for . Regardless of blood . 

Signs are real . Weather or not it originates in your head , if it comforts you , it’s real . For now it’s what I will believe in . 

Things to Think About

Weekend Wrap Up

I had a pretty good weekend !  How about you ? 

I was up really early on Saturday , 4:30 am , had to be to work for 6 am .  Then it was a 10 hr day . Usually after working on Saturday  I need to take a nap . I was pretty exhausted when I got home but it was almost 5 so I just kinda relaxed . 

We had dinner then I decided I wanted to try and go for a walk . There is a rail trail about 10 mins from my house , so the hubs and I headed there .  

Lo and behold , I walked and survived. I survived all 2.4 miles !!! 

2.4 miles !!!!

I was dying at the end of the walk but I am so glad I did it . 

Then today , my daughter and I headed to my sisters house . First off was some Pokémon Go , my daughter and nephew had a blast . We walked around for a while, had some lunch , then headed back to the house for swimming . 

It was definitely not as warm as I would have liked but , I wanted to get some water aerobics (or my version of them ) in .


I was in the pool for about 45 minutes , running , walking , did high knees , jumping jacks and some actual swimming .  

Man , was I tired after that , honestly, still am .  But – again , I did it ! 

Not only did I get in exercise this weekend , I am down 8 lbs since I got back in the wagon ! 

Cheers to a great week everyone! 

Daily Rants and Raves

Something is better than nothing

Happy Sunday Everyone!

The past couple of weeks I did not get into the gym as much as I wanted. Last week was only twice and the week before was only 1( ugh ) time.

While I was not able to do what I wanted fitness wise, I took the next best thing this weekend and joined my husband at Planet Fitness.  Oh.my.goodness.gracious.

This sealed the deal that Planet Fitness is not for everyone, especially me, and that’s okay, but I had to move and Something is better than nothing.

I don’t know if every PF is like this one, but weight machine hogs galore. And the 3 weight benches they had with the barbells attached to the rig, Sweet Baby Jesus…. Once I got in there to do some bench presses – there was only (1) 10 lb plate…. WTF is that ? I looked everywhere.  At that point I was so frustrated with waiting for one, then the disappearing plate, I was ready to go after that.  When we got there, I did time on the elliptical.  Lot harder than I remember, but I did a good amount of time.  I think I can use PF for my cardio needs on the weekend, to get moving.  But I will not be using it for my regular workouts.

I admit it…… I AM A LUNK , lol.  I like to ” Pick things up and put them down” .

b28e395cd96f0bca138f2900265991c4I found this meme and thought it was HILARIOUS! Credit to @the_evolving. ( I  guess )

 

So here is how I did at the workouts I made it to :

Weds 4/6 Lift Day!

Overhead Squats = I really did not think I was going to be able to pull this one off, but lo and behold – I did 5×3 25lbs!!! Winna Winna Chicken Dinna!

Sumo Deadlifts ( which are so much fun! ) 5×3 95lbs.  Its fun, cause you can pretend you are a sumo wrestler, but when I do it, its more like Fat Bastard from Austin Powers.

After that it was accessory work – 3 rounds

20 R/L side steps with side pump

10 dips

20 planks – with kneeoff box ( modified)

20 crunches

Unfortunately, I did not make it back into the gym until the next Monday

This was a killer. Complete KILLA

row 500m

2 rounds = 8 modified burpees, 20 jump squats

row 500m

2 rounds = 20 kb swings 26lbs, 10 alt pistols ( mod with TRX)

row 500m

2 rounds = 12 pushups, 15 plank jacks

Time was 23:43

Then it was back on Thursday . Yes, I missed my Lift Day 😦

It was a kettlebell night.

All I can say is SWEET BABY JESUS.

4 rounds

8 KB Cleans 26lbs

8 KB front squats ( 2 rounds just Bw squats )

8 KB Jerks 12 lbs

8 Lunges – BW

time was 27:13

This workout was so hard for me.  I was going to stop and cry at one point.  I wanted to finish, I wanted it to be over, I wanted to do it.  I just Kept Swimming.

Honestly surprised I did not cry or pass out.  I was so happy I finished.  IMG_4219

 

Today, I decided to go to one of our State Parks. Maudslay State Park in Newburyport , MA is a place I have been going ever since I was a kid.  I absolutely love it there.  It is a great place for a walk, run, dog walk, picnic, bird watch, horseback riding, kite flying, you name it, its great . Today , they had a telescope set up so visitors could look at Great Horned Owls that were nesting in the trees above the main building.  Its 480 acres of awesomeness. I took a great walk there this afternoon.  Other than the obviously pot smoking teens I walked by, the walk was really great  and super peaceful.  Here’s a little snapshot I took .

IMG_4244I know I don’t look super happy here, but it was a beautiful day . And I thought my hair looked good, lol.

If you get a chance to explore all the Maudslay has to offer, I highly recommend it.  You won’t be disappointed.

 

Bring a water and some binoculars too.  There is so much to see .

 

 

One of the things I have been actively avoiding this week is the fact that 1 year ago, I was really sick and things for our family took a drastic turn when we experienced a fire in our apartment building.  It sucked. 2015 as a whole, truly truly sucked.  On one hand its hard not to think about it, cause all of us are stronger for having gone through it.  I am still frustrated that they have no answers for me as far as my health goes.  I am thankful for Plexus and its effect it has had on my health,  a true ray of hope in my battle against this unknown. I am thankful that my amazing kids adjusted to hotel life, then to living in a whole new town, going to new schools and have THRIVED. My kids are unbelievable.  At least I know we are doing this parenting thing right. All 3 of my kids are exceeding expectations in all areas.  I am so proud of them.

So far, 2016 , it has been a pretty good year.  Here’s hoping it continues.

Wonder what this week has instore? Gotta keep swimming!

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Things to Think About

Just Keep On Swimming

Happy 2016 Everyone,

I apologize to the blogosphere for the neglect here.  Its bad, I know, I’m sorry.

That being said, here is a little update from my world:

As most of you in my private life know, I have been sick, since, well, Halloween of 2014.  I talked about my various health issues back in Bumpy Ride.

Basically, I have been sick since Halloween 2014 and 7 doctors later, we still do not have an answer as to what my issue is.  I feel like we are headed in the right direction, but nothing concrete yet.

What we do know:

  • I have ” immune deficency “
  • I have enlarged lymph nodes and thyroid
  • The issues are not the lymph nodes or the thyroid, they are just reacting to what ever is happening
  • No Cancer!
  • No lyme disease, no lupus, no sarcoid, no mono, no rhumetoid arthritis , no Stills disease, no Castlemans disease
  • Medication is working!

 

That being said, I am ready to resume my life. I have been incredibly sore, like , my armpits hurt.  Freaking weird, right? I mean, honestly, they still are sore, but not nearly as bad. I am currently on a medication they give to rhumetoid arthritis patients. At least I am able to function.

Here’s the thing, In the scheme of things, is what I have going on as bad as cancer? Or some terminal disease? Or even something that has required hospitalization? Nope.  Even so, not feeling good day after day after day, gets wearing on you .  I didn’t want to do anything.  I didn’t want to move some days.  I needed to get my hair done, didn’t want to . Not because I was being dramatic thinking I had cancer, but just because I didn’t want to do anything and I was going to let those grays run rampant! I needed some new clothes, did not want to get anything, not because new clothes are always an added expense, but just because , I did not want to do anything. I wanted to crawl into a hole, close my eyes and make the pain go away.

This whole process has been an emotionally fueled bad dream.  It’s frustrating as hell knowing that my body has been telling me there is something wrong for a year and a half, yet the best doctors in the world cannot tell me what is wrong with me. I had to learn to accept the fact that this is a long process and I may not get an answer ever, certainly not soon.  And I did.

It’s funny, I say ” Just Keep Swimming ” all the time to people to boost them, to encourage them, and the one person that forgets , is me. HOW EMBARRASSING!

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Once I got the medication to help with the soreness, things started to get into place.

So, now I am managing the soreness.  I got my hair done, ( goodbye grays! ) got some new clothes and finally, yes finally, Sweet Baby Jesus, I am ready to get my lard ass into the gym.

The hubs has shown interest in coming to the gym with me, however, we both have different goals and want to do different things.  Like, I want to lift weights, CAUSE ITS AWESOME, and he has no desire, so say Planet Fitness would be good for him. It has what he is looking for,  Bikes and low impact. Planet Fitness has no  interest to me ,not saying its bad by any means, I just know what works for me and I need to do what is right for me.  Hopefully we can find a happy medium 🙂

One thing I have learned and have the most trouble forgetting, is that THIS Journey, is about me. And what I want and what makes me happy.

Gotta keep swimming! Hopefully I will be back into the gym in the beginning of March.

Always remember to keep swimming, no matter the journey. Sometimes we just need to be reminded.

How have things been going for you in these past few months? Would love to hear your stories!

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Milestones

Remember Why You Started

Why you started

 

 

This is all a journey,  right?  I know, I keep saying this, but it so is.  Ups and downs.  I have been through a lot this year, in general.  In trying to keep myself and my family afloat, I have forgotten about me and my journey.  And that SUCKS!

I feel better now, My family is getting settled in our new place , and thats right folks, yours truly is getting BACK AT IT!!!!

WITH A VENGEANCE!!!!

I know I am no fitness role model, but gosh do I love working out.  And I am so so so excited to be back at the gym tomorrow.  Don’t get me wrong, I will be a hot flabby mess, and I will be sore as hell Tuesday, but I cannot WAIT!!!

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Now, peoples usual reaction is ” why don’t you just go to a regular gym?” ” why not work out at home?”  Both good questions, and yes, cheaper options, but at this point = I have found a format that works for me .  Anyone who has struggled with weight loss and fitness knows that finding what works for you  is half the battle.

I’m not making excuses, just explaining, I suppose, but I have had a pretty crappy year so far.  I had a different focus than on myself and my journey and it was all about my family and my health.  Not bad reasons to lose sight of your personal journey , but none the less, I was lost.

As I say, I did not just fall off the wagon – It was a horrific wagon crash with no survivors.

These past few weeks as I felt better and gave myself excuses why it was not the right time to get back into it, I revisited my blog.  Revisited my posts, reread my journey, because, yes, there are things we forget.  I am so glad I decided to do this blog, cause I much as I can remember events, those feelings swell back up when I go back and read about it again.

In that Spirit  – Here are some of my ” Greatest Hits “

Just Keep Swimming!

What’s On the Box ?

Turkish Getups – She Ra Style!

One Small Lunge

Lunges – Oh how thou art a heartless bitch

1st Weight Goal Achieved !

Rebirth

Shakin’ it – the key to running!

Gotta Find the Postives

Double Unders …. Check !

Personal Goal Hit

Haters Step Off

5 K – Check!

Falling is Easy …

The hopes, the dreams, the goals

And here’s a photo dump of some of  these great times!

215 Lbs Baby!!!
215 Lbs Baby!!!

IMG_0760

Bad Ass BeFitters at the finish!!!
Bad Ass BeFitters at the finish!!!
My first 5 K!!!
My first 5 K!!!
Me doing my ring dips!!!  Thanks Holly for capturing the moment!!!!
Me doing my ring dips!!! Thanks Holly for capturing the moment!!!!

I hope you enjoyed my walk down memory lane .  Here’s to making the rest of 2015 Incredible – no matter what journey you are on!!!

If you have stumbled on your your path, that’s okay, dust your self off and get back on it.  It’s okay to falter – we just need to get back at it.  It can be a pause , it just can’t be a stop.

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I will be back to the gym tomorrow and I am sure I will have lots to say. Hope you will come back and read all about it.

Thank you to everyone that has helped me and inspired me on this journey, my coaches, my family, my “gym gals” , my friends and all of you for your support.

Lets make this swim the best yet!

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Things to Think About

Let’s Talk About Body Image

Tell me what you like about yourself and your looks.

Tell me what you dislike about yourself and your looks.

 

I bet you it is easier for you to answer the 2nd statement than the 1st.

Why is that ? Why is it so much easier to focus on the negatives than the positives? Especially when it comes to our bodies and how we perceive them ?

 

The beginning of every year has just about all of us focused on losing weight or getting fit.  Our most common resolution is ” To fix ourselves”.  I have found more and more that my thinking was wrong on the subject.  If a skinny person told me that they ” need to lose 10 lbs” or ” I’m so fat” or something like that , my usual response was ” I wish I was fat like that ” or ” I wish I only had 10 lbs to lose”.  My thought was, this person looks great, I would be so happy if I looked like them.  It really never occurred to me, that they are unhappy with themselves.  And who the hell am I to judge that , or be jealous?

We all have shit we want to work on, in some way or another.  Some of us, want that to be our looks.  Be it our size, our hair, our face, it doesn’t matter.  We need to stop judging and just let everyone be themselves .  Embrace that people want to change themselves for reasons that would make them happy.

Take this whole Bruce Jenner stuff going on at the moment.  What ever is going on in Bruce’s life, its not our business. Regardless if they make a life in the public eye, what they want to do or be – its not the public’s call.  Let Bruce be Bruce. Whoever that may be.

Then there is static about a plus size model in Sports Illustrated.  Come on folks!  People over a size 10 need a bathing suit too!

 

Why do we care so much ?

 

It all goes back to Body Image and what we want to be and how we see ourselves.

 

I have always had a negative image of myself.  I really don’t know why, but I have.  Let’s go over how crazy I am.

 

This is me as a baby with me momma.  Prob 1981 . I have issues . I think I look like  a monkey baby here.

Meg&Mum
Meg and Mum 1981

Here I am in High School.  This is where I thought I was fat.  All size 7 , 128 lbs of me.

Meg HS
High School

High School was really where I felt the worst, all by my own doing.  I mean seriously, I thought I was fat here.  What the hell was the matter with me?  If only I could go back.  But I can’t , I made this bed, and I am through lying in it.  This was my goal picture.  But I have to be realistic,  I am 34 years old, not 17 anymore.  It’s time I focus on being the best me that I can be, today.  Not best me from 1997.  It has taken me so long to get that through my head.

So here I am today.  Working on myself and trying to get back to get to a place where I am happy with myself.

215 Lbs Baby!!!
215 Lbs Deadlift Baby!!!

Its a journey as you all know.  I think I have grown, not only stronger physically, but mentally since I made this decision to do something about myself. I keep swimming.  Keep going.

 

I started back working out in January , and I am down 5 lbs!

Its slow and steady to win that race.   There are no quick fixes and there are going to be set backs.  I think we all need to get out of our own heads.  I will get there.  And you will too.

We need to focus on happiness within ourselves instead of what we look like.

Everyone no matter the size has something they don’t like, I am working on liking all my parts and making them what I want .  We should be who we want, how we want and we shouldn’t care what anyone thinks.

I know that is not easy.  But maybe we are all a work in progress through our lives, instead of a finished product.  Always room to grow.

 

So I ask all of you now, Tell me what you like about yourself.  Share it! Shout it from the rooftops!  Be you ! Embrace all of your qualities!

Let’s get out there and change the world.  WE can do it. One mindset at a time.

 

Don’t forget to check me out on my  Facebook Page  = Less Thighs More Thunder .     I post little things over there too.

 

We are all awesome. Sometimes we just need to be reminded of that.

Spread the Awesome.

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