Daily Rants and Raves, Milestones, Things to Think About

Back at it Baby!

img_4682

 

Hi Everyone!

It’s been a long ass time! How is everyone doing ? Nothing like a global pandemic to get your life turned up side down , am I right? How have you been holding up?

I know so many people have been affected by this pandemic in so many negative ways.  All I can do is hope for a safe end soon and our lives to return to normal. 

Let’s recap: when last we checked in with our heroine, I was on the eve of my first rituxan infusion. LET ME TELL YOU FOLKS – THIS SHIT IS THE REAL DEAL!  I am still dealing with ” Meganitis” , what is ” Meganitis”, you ask?  You can scroll back through all my posts to see my struggles, but this is the breakdown. Halloween 2014, discovered a lump . turned out to be inconclusive, then spring 2015 another lump – again inconclusive.  They were enlarged lymph nodes. Blood work all over the place, rash , fevers, chills, which turned into fire skin. Had Scans, PET and CT, 11 doctors , and still no answers. Multiple medications that worked for like a week, just to not work. Diagnosed with Fibromyalgia and at one point Stills Disease ( now since ruled out )

Current status is a flare up / flare down type of situation . Flare time results in severe whole body pain, lymph nodes in pain, ( arm pits hurting is the weirdest thing ) It sucks.  My rheumatologist and my immunologist are the drs I see the most. Working together. They came up with having the infusions. The infusions deplete B cells that cause inflammation which is why they are life right now.  So you are supposed to get them about every 6 months. I am up to about 4 months.  But man, once they kick in – sweet relief!  I feel like I have my life back. It sucks cause this is a whole day process. The infusion lasts about 6 hours.  But I will do it if it means I get months pain free.  My hopes is that I will get to the point where I do not need them anymore.  A gal can dream.

On my weight loss surgery front – I am still stuck at 80 lbs.  It was hard to work out or get moving when you are in constant pain. Now I have been trying to get moving more. I have been taking walks every weekend , excursions, bird watching .  I like it cause I can get a good walk in , a couple miles without even really realizing it. Plus getting out walking, its easy to social distance and nature is all around us!  I need to get under 200 lbs. Its a goal and I need to hit it. Part of the reason I am getting the old blog back up and going. Its a mental thing , but great for accountability for myself.  But I really feel these walks are helping me, take a look at my progression so far:

 

The picture on the left was taken at Easter 2018, picture on right, July this year. When I took the picture on the right , it was the first time I was like – ” whoa, this is me?!?!”  I feel my walks are really helping me get moving . 

So, in other news I have become a birder, wildlife photographer.  At least attempting it, lol.  Its funny cause when I was a kid I hated birdwatching with my parents. Now , my dad and I discuss birds and go places looking for rare birds.   We found a Mississippi Kite in Durham NH, as you can guess by the name, the bird should not of been there, but it was.  Kinda cool if you are into that type of thing. 

Here are some recent pics I have taken on my excursions.  Mass Audubon membership was the best thing to get!

 

img_5230
Osprey at Parker River Wildlife Refuge
img_5588
Greater Yellowlegs
img_7090
Monarch Butterfly
img_7440
Waterlily
img_7458
Red Tailed Hawk at Mass Audubon Ipswich River Sanctuary

img_7537

 

So that’s whats new with me.  What is new with you? How are you dealing with this world right now?

 

Hope you are all well and your families stay safe!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Things to Think About

Days Like Today Are The Hardest

Sup yo.  How is everyone doing tonight?  I know it’s been a while since my last post.  Sorry about that.  Things have been kinda crazy as well as I have dealing with quite the Meganitis Flare.  Yup, full on FML mode.

img_0891

So , yeah the flare is super great.   After 4 and a half years , I still have all the same symptoms ( except the rash, thank God ) and still no answers.  I live in constant pain, some days are better than others. And I have come to accept that Winter and the cold make it worse.  I feel better in the warmer months, I would love to realize that I am in no pain, honestly don’t see that happening , but a girl can dream.

As far as my weight loss surgery goes – its great, down 80 lbs!  I need to work out . That has been difficult since the daily pain plagues me.  But I keep trying to make better choices , definitely navigating better though.

Which all brings me to today … I am determined that this will be the year I put a name to what I refer to as Meganitis.  My rhumetologist is great, but I feel like we keep going in circles.  The plan has been to treat the symptoms rather than dig deep and get a diagnosis.  And, I was okay with that . I just wanted to feel better.  But now, I am at a point where this bitch needs a NAME!  I feel like if I have a name for this – I can effectively treat it.

I am all out there. I wear my heart on my sleeve, I cannot keep shit in. I am very open about my condition and my struggles. The reason I am so open about it is, what if that one person I share my story with has the same issues or knows someone that does. I do not want to miss out on the opportunity to gain knowledge about this or to help someone with what I have done to cope.  In being so open, people always have always told me that I have this or I have that , or I need to do this or I need to do that .  As much as I appreciate everyone’s concerns and I know that everything comes from a place of love, none of them are doctors.  But, what I do is take the information people send my way and I do my own research as well as discuss it with my doctors.  Sometimes its a very easy answer why XYZ isn’t my thing and sometimes, its like okay , lets do some tests and blood work and see what comes up .  Normally , I would say that doctors throwing shit at a wall to see what sticks would be insane. But I am lucky that my doctors are all in agreement that I am a unique case and listen to my concerns.

This all brings my to my latest appointment today .  Blood work .  My PCP is doing a whole complete work up and according to the records, giving me tests that I have not previously received. With so many doctors in different locations, something gets lost in communication.  I get it.  It happens.  But that’s also the reason I have my binder of  tests, procedures, and surgeries.  Someone’s gotta right?

My mother has been on my mind lately , more than usual. It hit me like a ton of bricks today .  You see, every appointment, every lab visit, every text or email from the doctor, I would call my Mom when I got out.  Just to tell her what happened or what was happening or the plan for the next visit .  Talking to her always made me feel better, most of the time I leave frustrated and she always knew what to say to ease my mind.  I walked out today and grabbed my phone to call her.  Like auto pilot.  Cried all the way back to work.

Grief and loss , I have yet to find the way to deal with them in  good way . Mostly I am just a crier.  I miss her so damn much, my heart hurts. I know she is around, I do get her signs, but nothing will ever be the same.

I read this today on a Grief and Loss page and it really struck home.

img_0889

Go ahead, have a good cry . I know, you feel it too.  I miss her immensely, but it really is these little times that creep up and hit me hard.

I really am focused on getting answers this year .  I just hope I am successful.

You know what I say … Just Keep Swimming!!!

Until next time folks !

img_1087-3

Daily Rants and Raves

Mind Over Body

img_0310

 

The past few days , good ol’ Meganitis has been reminding me that she is still here.  My damn armpits are hurting again.  Yup. It’s as wonderful as it sounds.  I am really trying to not let this rule my life as It has.  There are surely going to be days where I need to listen to my body, but I am just getting back into working out, so I was determined to go last night.

It was a long work out:

1 min of each for 5 rounds, 1 min rest between rounds

Battle Ropes

Bike

Burpee Tire Flips

DB High Plank Rows 7.5 lbs

Goblet Squats 15lb KB

 

Going into it I was worried about the burpee tire flips.  Burpees + Me = No Bueno.  My burpees are terrible, I am limited on how I can do them with my knee and my mobility, but I can do a modified version.  I managed to do about 3 each round, I found that to be a victory.

The thing I struggled he most with was the DB High Plank Rows. And I was only using 7.5 lbs! UGHHH.  Sweet Baby Jesus were my hands killing me.  Its a lot of weight to be resting on those dumbbells.  I didn’t think I would struggle with it as much as I did, but man was it hard.  At one point, I tried to pick my hand up and it just would not go.  But I didn’t give up.  I was slow but I kept at it.

img_0311

I think another thing that is affecting me and the Meganitis is the weather.  It’s been pretty rainy here and it does a number on me.  As I type this , my armpits are throbbing.  I can feel my lymph nodes enlarging.  I am just praying that I can hold the Meganitis at bay.

Having a chronic illness sucks.  Not knowing what it is, sucks worse.  I know it could be way worse and by no means am I having a pity party. It just sucks.

Getting into a mental state of mind where I can let go of the illness and just be me, is not easy.  It is hard to get in a mindspace that I can be stronger than this and I can’t let it rule my world.

Honestly, today I have felt like I just want to crawl in bed and not move, but its after 10 pm and I am not even in bed yet, lol.

It is a challenging journey that I am on.  I can only take it day by day and

Just Keep Swimming !

 

Don’t forget to give us a like on Facebook , too!

 

img_1087-2

 

Daily Rants and Raves

A good workout a long time coming

th

Hello everyone!

Let me tell you – I feel good! I had a great workout last night.  It was tough but  a good tough, for me, and it was modified for me , which was great too.  But it kicked my ass.  I have been searching for a new class. I need to workout.  I know what works for me and the classes work.  I don’t want to go to  regular gym, I need the structure of the classes and the push of the coaches.  I have found what I am looking for!

So, I gave it a whirl last night.  I was terrified and excited all at the same time.  After the warm up – it was go time.  The workout was a ladder, work down it, then do it in reverse. Here is the work out as I did it:

125m row – 10 mountain climbers – 40 single jumprope jumps – 10 BW squats – 125 m row – 10 HR pushups – 40 Single jumps – 10 reverse lunges – 125 m row – 5 burpees ( way modified ) -40 single jumps – 10 broad jumps – 125 m row – 10 knee raises ( or knee raise attempts ) – 40 single jumps – 10 knee raises ( or attempts) -125m row – 10 Broad jumps – 40 jumps -5 way modified burpees  – 125 m row – 10 reverse lunges – 40 jumps – 10 HR pushups – 125 m row – 10 BW squats – 40 jumps – 10 mountain climbers – 125 m row

My time was 26:36.  This , I thought was a great first workout back.  It felt great to be working out.  And I only said “just keep swimming ” to myself 2 times, lol.  Those damn burpees. Even barely being able to do a modified version of them, I was dying.  Somethings never change.

I am sore today , but its a good sore and its not a Meganitis sore,so that is even better.  I really feel this is going to be good for me and I am excited to be starting this new part of my journey.

Never give up .  Even if your journey takes you down long twisted paths, as long as you make your way to your happiness – it doesn’t matter how long it takes.

img_1087-2

Things to Think About

1 Month Since Surgery

1 month

 

It has been a month now since my surgery.  It has not been an easy month, but I am glad I am on my way.  Navigating how much to eat has been the hardest challenge.  I have been eating the same way for 38 years , its not so easy to change it.  Figuring out what to eat has been a challenge too.  And when to eat, and eating itself.  All the chewing……

I have been sticking to my shakes , chocolate for the most part.  Its so much easier to get down than the vanilla.  Protein bars and greek yogurt round out my days, then dinner is usually something chicken based.  I am feeling good overall.

I need to get exercising more. I have been out walking, but I think this week I will start some home workouts.  Or at least try.

My Meganitis for the most part has been at bay, which is amazing.  I still get exhausted and my fire skin is still raging, but the whole body soreness has gone away .  Well, except for the arthritis in my knee.   I am hopeful that as I lose more weight, my knee will feel better.  And I am sure exercising will help too.

Anyone out there have a workout app or program they use at home that they swear by ?  I know enough things I can do myself, just looking for a little guidance I guess.

Cheers to a new week!

Don’t Stop Believing and Just Keep swimming !

img_1087-4

 

 

 

 

 

Daily Rants and Raves

It’s My Birthday !

Yes, you read it right, its my birthday, July 4th.  Happy Independence Day America!

I will say, today has been a good day .  We have a cookout every year on the 4th with family and friends.  Its great to catch up with everyone.  I am very blessed that I have, what I feel, is a very close family.  I love them all dearly .

What royally sucks is , even still now, I keep waiting for my Mom to call and say Happy Birthday.  I know, I’m now 38 , but damn, I still miss her like she left yesterday.  This has loomed over me all day, and I can’t shake the ache in my heart.  Ugh, sucks.

In other news, I have officially hit 2 weeks post surgery .  I am feeling really good!  I am pretty surprised actually.  My right side is still tender, but that is subsiding as well.  I have to say, I really hate taking some of my medications as liquid instead of pill form.  I mean like recoil when I have it, can’t wait until that shit is over.  I am still mainly on Protein shakes but in this stage, but I have been having other stuff too. Nothing really solid, but I have had protein bars – had no problem with them.  I did attempt some chicken , small little pieces and I chewed very well, but that did not end well. Lesson learned.  Since it was my birthday, and I could not have the cheeseburger and chips I have become accustomed to at a cookout, I opted to give my sisters pulled pork a small try.  No roll of course, but a small scoop- I took my time with eating it and I had no issues! And it was delish! A scoop filled me up with was great.  Birthday Gods must of been having a convo with the surgery Gods and must of been like ” ok, let her have this one” , lol.  Also, I did not have any cake.  I made sugar free chocolate pudding and had some sugar free cool whip with it.  My daughter and nephew got me my bowl of it.  They brought me a bowl full of sloppy pudding and cool whip all mixed together, bless their hearts.  I could eat about a quarter of the bowl, if even that .  Its the thought that counts.

Since my incisions have not fully healed yet – that meant I had to stay out of the pool – on a 90 degree day.  Soooo, I got creative. I bought a little kiddie pool and filled it up half way.  Created my oasis next to the big pool. I could sit in it with out getting my stomach wet, but still keep cool in the water.  It was heaven.  I was cool, next to the action and my nieces and nephew kept popping in keeping me company – all while obeying the ” Auntie no splash zone”.  I just love those kids. ❤  The hubs even hung out with me for while in there until he defected to the big pool , can’t say I blamed him, lol.

Last night we spent with family at my sisters new home to see the fireworks in my home town. To say it as a scorcher, is an understatement.  It had to of been at least 95 degrees and humid as hell on top of it.  It did not stop us from having  a really wonderful time.  The fireworks were great and there were sparklers for the kiddos. ( supervised and very safe , just saying ) .

My daughter Maddie with her sparkler. She had so much fun!

All in all , I can say it has been a great couple of days.  Follow up appointments next week with my surgeons.  Hopefully I will find out when I  will be cleared to head back to the gym, cause I am itching to get working out.

Happy Independence Day Everyone!

img_1087-4

 

Things to Think About

My Sleeve Gastrectomy Journey : Day 4

115Hello Everyone!

 

I woke up on the morning of June 19th early.  We had to be at the Brigham and Womens Faulkner hospital for 8 am . We left the house at 6:30 am since Boston traffic is so great in the morning – ugh.  We got in and checked into registration. At this point it was about 8 am and my mouth was sooooo dry , I just wanted to have some water, unfortunately not allowed.  But I was okay since surgery was scheduled for 10:05am , so I could deal.

After registration it was off to surgery check in.  I checked in and shortly fter they brought me to start getting ready.  Hubs had to wait while I got setteled. So all the usual jazz is done,changing , making sure all my info is correct, makng sure I am all ready for surgery.  At some point a very nice nurse came in and said ” Hi . I will be helping Sue with your IV.  ” Then it hit me, the nice nurse hat had been with me was named Sue.

Sign  #1

Now I had a chat with my mom before all this , and this was by far , her sending me a sign.  Then more doctors and nurses came in to introduce themselves.  Wouldn’t you know it – another nurse named Sue and a doctor named Frances.  Now, If thats not a sign -I do not know what else is.

At that point – I was fully convinced that my Mom was right there with me and everything would be ok.

I did go into surgery after 10:05 , I think it was more like 10:20 ish, but I really don’t remember.  I remember waking up super sore and out of it.  My hubs was there and my dad arrived after with some beautiful flowers.

All I wanted to do was drink some water.  But it this surgery – its got to be sips.  I seriously wanted nothing more than to chug the pitcher of water and chew on the hospital ice.  You know what I mean, hospital ice , is like the best ice ever.  You know….

I had some great nurses taking care of me through my first night.  Jess and Gabe were awesome.  I had all sorts of meds and I had to keep getting Heprine shots every so may hours.  They stung and bruised .  First challenge was actually going to the bathroom.  I was told if I could not go on my own by 10 pm, then it was the catheder .  Now, i know a catherder is not something anyone likes, but when I had my daughter , I was severly traumatized.  They put it in wrong and the worst pain of my life endured.  I still remember the feeling. So I did all I could to make sure I went . And I did… 🙂  I know, pee is super exciting, but the night got worse.  So I was in and out of it, one time when I woke up I was super sick, kept thinking I was going to puke, but there was nothing to puke. In addition to , I had horrible gas pains, like awful, kill me now, gas pains.  At some point I am sure someone told me how they pump you full of gas during the surgery . Welp, I do not remember anyone telling me that gas could get caught and cause awful pain.  So, imagin pain like heartburn times 100 burning in the middle of your chest.  It sucked. I was about to grab a scapel and slice a hole in my own chest to let some gas out.

So the moral of the story is – night 1, sucked.  And I cannot say enough about my team of doctors and nurses, they were so great.  Thankfully I woke up the next day and felt so much better. I got some walks in and was able to start shakes.

The thing that I am honestly struggling the most with is my sips.  It doesn’t sound like something that one would struggle with but it is way harder than I expected.  I am supposed to have at least 64oz a day of fluid and 60-70grams of protein.  Definitely have not reached that yet, but each day it gets better.  Its weird constantly sipping, but I need to make sure I keep it up. I do not want to get dehydrated.

And shakes – I have got to get some recipes to mix it up.  Really, I would love to just have some potatoe soup.  I am a ways off of that.

So here I am , ending day 4, looking forward to Day 5.  Its definitly a journey .

img_1087-2

 

Things to Think About

Stopping the Stigma – Let’s Talk Depression

This past week the world lost 2 visionaries.  Their creative sparks burned out at their own hand.  I feel like we are seeing this more and more .  People have committed suicide since time began, but It seems to be an epidemic as of late.

b kind

I have battled depression since I was a teenager.  I often refer to it as my darkness or my demon.  Honestly , what started my depression was just usual teenage bullshit.  I hated the way I looked and I always thought I was ugly.  I wasn’t the one that boys went after.  I always felt second best.  I never did anything amazing or Incredible.  I liked to write my morbid poetry , which I still like to do.

When I was 14 , I decided I had had enough.  What motivated  me in that moment, honestly, I don’t know.  But I woke up for school and decided to swallow somewhere around 50 asprins.  After I did it I immediately regretted it and woke my mother up to tell her I did something stupid.  Parent freak out ensued as it should have.  They rushed me to the hospital where I got my stomach pumped.  If you have never had it done before, it is not a process I recommend.  Its sucks .  Interestingly, the room I was in when I was in the hospital as a double room.  My roommate was a very large girl who was restrained at her wrists and ankles.  Now, I have no idea what she was there for, but her guardian with her kept saying ” you should not of done that to your sister with a wire hanger”.

I wanted out of there.  But since I was a dumbass and tried to kill myself , it doesn’t work like that .  They wanted to send me in an ambulance to a mental hospital.  I fought my parents about the ambulance and they ended up being able to drive me.

I was sent to McLean Hospital in Belmont MA.  The admissions building was beautiful.  It took forever.  Once I was checked in , I was taken to the unit I would be staying at .  Now remember how I just said that the admissions building was beautiful? Well the unit – not so much.  It was a run down building with a mix of troubled teens to kids with severe issues. I clearly remember walking down the hall to go to the bathroom and there were several rooms with doors open and all you could see was a kid and a mattress on the floor.  It got better – I get to my room and my room mate is very vocal about Not wanting a room mate.   It was at that my point my knight in shining armor saved me.  My dad , he told them I am not staying there and that place as not for me.  My parents had to sign all sorts of paperwork since I was leaving against doctor orders, but man am I glad they did.  I was grounded for a while, actually confined to the porch, but I was so glad not to be there.

I had to go to , well, I was already in therapy.  Once a week on Saturdays I had to go . My mother would bring me, then on the way home we would stop at Sanborns candies .  We used to joke that going there and getting truffles was my reward for being fucked up.

When my oldest baby was born, I was still a baby.  I got pregnant at 17 and when he was born I was 18.  Instant adult.  It was not easy and I had many dark days.  My husband and I had our ups and downs and I am not going to lie, there was definitely moments where I thought it would just be easier if I was not around.  I wanted to give my child the best life possible.  And here I am , mom of 3 amazing creatures , still feeling as though , I have not done a good job.

I used to think about killing myself all the time, to be honest.  Something dramatic.  But even after I did try and take my life, I felt like a failure, couldn’t even kill myself right.   I feel like my life has not been stress free but I suppose everyone out there could say the same.  As much as I would fantasize about ending it all, once I had kids, there was just no way I could ever do it.  When I got sick and as the days, weeks, month, now years went by and I was in constant pain and at the mercy of this nameless disease, I really had some dark days.

Now , more than ever, I try looking on the bright side.  My mother was such a positive force , she went through hell and back , and despite all of it, she was a always a positive beacon.  My biggest cheerleader was always my mom.  When I lost her, I feel like a piece of me went along with her.

I struggle with my demon every day.  Some days she stays asleep inside and some days she is a raging psycho bitch.  I try to find the balance.  Despite being almost 38 years old, I feel like the demon will always be a part of me and who I am . The good, the bad and the demon, I guess that is me.

It is frustrating .  I feel like lately I do need some professional help.  I called numerous doctors that my insurance approved and said were taking new patients, but for the life of me, I cannot get anyone to call me back.  This is the start of where the system for mental health in this country is amiss.  Most people do not even recognize that they need help.  And when we do reach out, there is no assistance.

Suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in America. Each year over 44,000 people in America take their own life.  Its incredible to me that this number is so large. Being depressed needs treatment, instead there is this stigma that being depressed is bad.   We need to accept that these demons exist within most of us and we need to seek help when they start to emerge.  Its not easy , but there is a better way .

For a list of Suicide statistics, click here

We need to stop this stigma and speak up when we see someone in need.  Be the positive change in this world.

If you or someone you know needs help, please reach out:

suicide-hotline-1-800-273-8255-a-simple-repost-could-do-sc-much-29959231

Remember , through every darkness the light is fighting its way though on the other side.

ont stop bel

img_1087-4

 

 

Things to Think About

Pieces of Her

Good night world and all who inhabit it,

I am gearing up for my weight loss surgery. It will be taking place mid June. Some of you may know that there is a process to this weight loss surgery, the process isn’t bad.  It is interesting .  I have done my first 2 nutrition appointments and met with the surgeon.  Next week I have , nutrition, psychiatrist and endoscopy.  Since I started , I have been trying to make changes so that once I have the surgery its not so bad adjusting.

First up -no bubbles.  Not supposed to have carbonated beverages so I cut out soda.  I was drinking sparkling water to get the bubbles thinking it would help me, but  I had to cut it.  I have been drinking my 64 oz of water each day .

Protein – I am going to start getting some protein shakes since day 2- day 9 after surgery will be all shakes.

Anyways, I have been trying to get moving more and this week I have been really thinking about my Mum. Probably the impending Mother’s Day holiday.

I was driving along this weekend and I started squeezing my butt to the beat .  I can hear my Mum now, her proudly proclaiming how she would do her butt squeezes to the beat of what ever song was on… Maybe if I keep it up, I will have ” Buns of Steel” lol.

I was cooking dinner the other night dancing around the kitchen, and all I could do was think of  Mum.  Dancing around to One Direction, no less.  Ridiculous I know, but have you listened to them? So damn catchy! Current obsession is ” Steal my Girl” and “Perfect” .  I ain’t too proud to admit I am a grown ass woman dancing around to a boy band that’s not NKOTB or Backstreet Boys. ( for the record, saw NKOTBSB in concert at Fenway Park – UNBELIEVABLE Show!)

Its these little things that I feel Mum shines through.    I know I am probably searching for signs and finding them in places, but its comforting to an extent, like there are pieces of her here with us .

Like tonight, I was taking a ride to go see her, her headstone is in.  I needed to see it in person. So I am driving along and ” Beast of Burden”  by the Rolling Stones comes on .   I don’t remember downloading it, could of been the hubs or maybe the kids, but in any case, there it was blaring out.  My mother and I had this running joke – I was forever singing ” I’ll never be your BIG SUBURBAN ….” instead of Beast of Burden.  So there I was crying my eyes out on the way to my mothers grave singing at the top of my lungs

” I’LL NEVER BE YOUR BIG SUBURBAN !!!”

the-rolling-stones-beast-of-burden-rolling-stones

I know she is always here with me, I just like when she reminds me in funny ways.

 

Back to my weight loss stuff – I am currently down 5 lbs! I am looking forward to the surgery . I know I have the best Guardian Angel on my side 🙂

 

Don’t Stop Believing !!!

img_1087-4

Things to Think About

Conumdrum

co*num*druma confusing and difficult problem or question

 

Its no secret that I need to lose weight.  Now more than ever.

I am like the Stay Fucking Puft Marshmallow Man.

stay puft
( Actual Likeness)

I am the first to admit, I am by no means a healthy eater and it has been quite some time since I was able to do a proper workout.  I would love nothing more than to get into the gym and lift heavy shit.  I am so hopeful that this new medicine will allow me to resume my life.

Have you ever felt trapped?  Try being trapped in a body you don’t recognize.  I feel like the real me is buried underneath these layers of blubber and she is drowning. Suffocating. She is disentergrating.  It’s like I am stuck in here and my skin is going to burst.

Here is my issue – and by no means am I making excuses or blaming someone else for my situation…. The fact of the matter is very simple.

Up to the past week, I hurt.  My whole body was sore.  It is very difficult to do anything when you are in pain.  So maybe it is an excuse, but it is the reason I have not worked out or done anything remotely resembling exercise.  I don’t eat good either, can’t blame that on anyone either.  Current status is wicked sore left knee. Fuckin arthritis. UGHHH

I have allowed my disease to rule my life.  I am not proud of it, this is a badge I do not want.  But sadly , this has become my reality.  And not for nothing I do not even have a name for this disease.  I have a faceless demon ripping my life from me and I can’t even blame anything for it.  Its frustrating as hell.

  • Whole body pain
  • Fire skin
  • Exhaustion

These are for the most part,  daily occurances.  While I have had some relief from the pain depending on the different medication I have been on , it always comes back.

Tonight I will do my  6th Actemra injection.  All in all, so far, the whole body pain has subsided and  the fire skin has too.  My knees are killing me, but I am pretty sure that is more due to my ridiculous weight gain.

So here I am , wanting to work out, wanting to be a better version of me and here I sit, broken. That is my conumdrum.

When I went to the Sleep Disorder doc, she recommended that I check out the Center for weight Management at the hospital.  I said yes, figured I would get some tips and tricks and maybe, just maybe , be able to jump start my weight loss.

I am stuck in a vicious circle.

Need to lose weight —> In pain and hurts to move so I can’t exercise  —> depressed about it all —> Eat more and move less due to the pain and depression —->  Miserable all the time —> always exhausted —> New medicine ( yay!) —> soreness subsides EVERYWHERE EXCEPT MY KNEE! —-> Finally feeling better —> can’t do shit cause my knee makes it hard to move— Back where I started —> Need to lose weight

So at the appointment I get weighed in of course.  And the number is the highest it has ever been, like disgustingly high.  Didn’t help that I had to do it twice cause the nurse asked me to get on the scale then walked away, like I needed to see those big red numbers twice.  Ugh.

Then as I sit reeling from the metaphorical weight of my physical weight, the nurse lightly says ” I’ll take of 3 pounds for shoes and clothes”.

BIG SHIT,what difference does 3 pounds make?! Is that supposed to comfort me?

Doc comes in and I go over my history while she takes notes and reads my file.  When your doctor says ” oh boy ” multiple times….. kinda sucks.  So she non chalauntly says I am definitely a candidate for surgery, particularly the sleeve version.  Because of my ” complex medical history” and my ,current medications, she did not feel that putting me on the common weight loss pill would be good for me and would cause issues.  She prescribed a hormone shot that I will do every day that should help with cravings.  Of course I need to wait for the insurance to approve it, so , not sure how that will work just yet.

So , here I wait.  I was told the surgical team will call me to start the process and make sure I qualify.  And all my doctors need to approve as well.  1st step is an informational meeting that I need to attend.

I have to be honest, I never imagined that I would be someone considering weight loss surgery.  And I know that my current state is of my own doing , and if I do the surgery , to be successful I need to change a lot. And did I get some help from the meds I was on? I am sure I did, but I can’t blame being morbidly obese on them.

My life is my fault.  And maybe if I didn’t weigh so much , my Meganitis would not be as bad.  Who knows?  All I know is that I need to do something that gives me a fighting chance at feeling better.  Everything is connected.

The absolute worst thing about all of this weight shit is I did it to myself.  Its completely embarrassing being this gross thing that I have become.

Sometimes, I just don’t know who I am .  Like there is a version of myself I see in my head and she sees the outside and can’t get out or be heard.  I know I am a crazy person.

I just want to be happy.  Happy in myself, happy with myself, Happy in this life.  I just have 37 years of failure to contend with. Isn’t it awful that more often than not, we are our own worst enemies?

Cheers to new hopes on the horizon…

 

Just Keep Swimming and Don’t Stop Believing,
Xoxo Meg