Daily Rants and Raves

Long Days and Long Thoughts

Oh hello there world, I know its been a bit since my last post.  Honestly, I have thoughts and ideas every day that I want to share, but I don’t have the easiest time getting them out of my head.

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Here is my latest health update , for those keeping score, we are at a total of 10 doctors and yet I still do not have an actual diagnosis.  However, the current medication I am on, the Actemra injections 1x a week , seem to be actually working (knock on wood).  The Saxenda injections on the other hand, not working. All It seems to be doing is giving me bruises.  My left knee is still giving me problems, it sucks.  I have been waiting so long to feel good and its like , hang on a sec, we can’t possibly allow you to FULLY feel good. Ugh. Double ugh with cheese.  Mayor of Ugh City.

On a positive note, next Wednesday I start my journey with weight loss surgery.  To be honest, I feel like this is a last resort, but I also feel like a complete and utter failure.  I failed myself with bad decisions and bad choices. The sad part is, I really just realized this.  I wasted years of my life and I just hope its not too late to get my life back.  Then again, its been so long, I don’t even know what that would mean. I don’t even know what this life I long for is.

How terrible is that? Spending years wanting something and never making it materialize.  Story of my life.  When you break it down , I just want to be happy.  I have spent my entire life in search of happiness.  Pure happiness.  They did not call me Morbid Megan when I was a teenager for nothing .  Now I am Morbidly Obese Megan.

I want to be happy and content. Instead I am restless and depressed.  In the past three years, My life has become my illness.  Some days are not so bad, and some days are unbearable, and most days, I just deal with the pain.  Stairs though – motherfucking stairs are the devil.  My knee and stairs do not mix, never mind the fact that I am a Fatty McButterpants.

I hate the way I am . I hate the fact that my twisted sense of self brought me to this.  I hate the fact that my body is failing me and it needs help, medically and mentally.

Now I know my mother had so much more shit to deal with  and I cannot even come close to the turmoil that she had to endure on a daily basis, but I do know that I need to do everything in my power to be as healthy as I can so that I will be here past 61years old.   I truly do not know how she did it, but I am so grateful she did what she could to be with us as long as she was.

My story is far from over.  I need to live my best life possible ,  I say ” Just Keep Swimming ” to you all, but I am barely staying afloat myself.

Since my mothers passing, I have been searching for a way to honor her.  I have a clearer mindset as of late and I think Mum would just want me to keep being me, despite the obstacles and shit that gets tossed my way on the daily.

My mother took on every day with joy in her heart.  She faced every shot of medical bullshit dealt to her and made joke about it.  She found joy everywhere.

That’s what I need to do and Christ, it is harder than it seems.

I make jokes about my weight as a coping mechanism, but Mum, she made jokes about her situation for us I think more than her self.  And it helped, a lot.  She kept believing for us.  I used to think it was for her own sake, and maybe at the end it was, but it was a completely selfless act to help us cope I think.  From her “luxurious suite “at the Brigham and Womens hospital, to her crazy impressions, or just the excitement over a ham sandwich made by my dad instead of hospital food, she found the light through the dark.

That is my  mission. Find the light and be happy.  Doesn’t seem so hard, but will probably be the fight of my life.

Don’t stop believing and Just Keep Swimming Everyone!

I would love to read how you find the good within the bad and the light through the darkness, please share with us!

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Daily Rants and Raves

Early to bed, Early to Rise

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I am slowly getting into my new routine of morning classes . I have gone to the 5 am class . I am soooo not a morning person . But I am freaking determined to get my workouts in , no matter what .

That means a 4:15 am alarm. Sweet Baby Jesus. What on earth was I thinking ? That is what I kept saying to myself the ride to the gym yesterday . But the workout had snatches and box jumps which are my favorites, so I just focused on that .

We warmed up and went over the workout .
12 rounds
3 wall climbs
6 alt Db snatches – 30 lbs
12 box jumps

At first I grabbed a 22 lb weight figuring I would ease back into it instead of going to the 35 lbs I used to do. But , yeah , that was too light . So up to the 30 I went . I still used the 12″ box and instead of the 2 plates I would use before , I opted for (1) 45 lb plate. I figured it was shorten than I used to do . I can do it , no problemo .

Cha right ! The universe had other plans and apparently they had it out for my shins . I took my first jump and promptly missed the top instead coming down on either side of the box . Got some nice bruises. But hey, it’s all good ! I kept on going , took the plate off, but kept going.

My goal was 6 rounds . Knowing it would take me forever I figured if I got through half I would be happy .
Lo and behold – guess who got through almost 10 rounds ! Technically 9+17.

I felt so great the rest of the day, which I honestly was not really expecting.

 

Today’s class I was on the fence about going into it.

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Push jerks 65 lbs

Power cleans 65 lbs

I used to be able to do 75 lbs, so I figured I would go for 55 lbs.  Everyone else in the class could go heavier.  But, 55 lbs ended up being way too light, so I went to 65 lbs.

This work out looks pretty easy, but if you dropped the bar during each set – like the 8th rep of the 10 set, then your penalty was 30 Mountain climbers.  I figured for sure there were going to be tons of Mountain Climbers for me to do .

But, when I got the 1st set of 10 done, I knew I could do it.  I just kept going , taking breaks between the sets and not the reps.  The goal was 20 minutes.  I thought for certain it was never going to happen, but guess who banged it out in 17:39?  This gal!!!!

It was just what I needed to get me pumped.  It wasn’t a PR, it wasn’t my best ever, but its the best I have been in so long, so I was down right thrilled!!!

Excited to see what tomorrow brings 🙂

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Daily Rants and Raves

Tuesday’s Ten Most Awesome

I couldn’t sleep last night.  Seriously, my mind raced all night – Prozac did not work, lol!

During my tossing and turning , like a million thoughts came to me.  One of them being, I have gotten such awesome feedback on this blog and my journey, lets expand it!

One thing about me is , I am real.  I tell it like it is, good, bad or indifferent.  I am an emotional goof ball.  So, I figured I would give this weekly post thing a go, but different than the Weekly One More. Weekly One More is about what I can do better to be the best me I can be, but baby steps at a time.

This one not so much fitness, but more just fun or whateva!  A random list of things besides my family ( obviously) that make me chuckle .

Here Goes:

 

Tuesday’s Ten Most Awesome Things to be Happy About !  ( in no particular order )

1. Listening to my daughter sing Tik Tok by Kesha ( and the wicked cool dance moves that go with it)

2. Quest White Chocolate Raspberry Protein Bars – Good Lord I could eat these all day

3. Old Navy Active work out clothes – what took me so long to get these?

4. Miss Saigon Original London Cast Music – Love Lea Salonga!

5. Central AC – it is muggy and humid here right now.  Frizzy hair city

6. Quoting Monty Python and the Holy Grail with my kids in the car  – ” Tis but a scratch! ”

7. Going out for a hamburger with my Grampy

8. Viral videos – Ain’t nobody got time fo dat!

9. Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure

10. Any music  you can do the Roger Rabbit to

 

So, that was the 1st Tuesday’s Ten Most Awesome.  Hope you enjoyed! Would love to see your Ten Most Awesome ! IT can be anything – make it what you want. #TTMA

We can’t sweat the small stuff, we have got to embrace it!

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Milestones, Things to Think About

2014 Goals

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I figured I would do a goal post, lol…

I like putting my thoughts down and I thought a list I could refer to would be good.  So here goes:

*Lose total of 100 lbs by the end of the year   – Not so sure this is really attainable, but I would love to be down 100 from where I started. 62 lbs to go !

*Run at least (3) 5k’s – and get my times down by at least 5 minutes – already signed up for 1!

*Get out of plus size clothes! – This is a big one for me, I really would love to fit comfortably in clothes without having to shop in a special section.

*Be able to do walking quad stretches – This is one thing that keeps eluding  me .  I fucking hate it – I want to be able to do this so badly.  I am really frustrated that I can’t do this yet.  I have to keep at it. This one WILL Happen this year – fo sho.

*Increase my box for box jumps – I am currently on the 12″ box, sometimes with plates on them.

* Plank for 2 minutes – This is going to be  a difficult one

* Get off the tan band for pull ups – I have got to get stronger and better at pull ups

* Deadlift 200 lbs  – I am up to 150 lbs, so another 50 I think should be doable by the end of the year, right? We’ll see.

* Lose the back rolls – almost there!

* Be comfortable in my own skin – So, yes, more mental than physical, but still a goal.

* Spartan Race November 2014 – I want to be ready and not make a fool of myself

* Wear white pants without someone following me with a projector thinking they have found a moving drive in

* Master Double Unders – I can do them, but I want to be able to do more than 20 in a row

* Master Hand Stand Push Ups – I can do the handstand, gotta master the push up

* Improve my lunges and squats – yes I can do these, but there is always room for improvement

* Climb the rope! – I want to climb it, not just dangle at the bottom of it.

* Be Happy with myself –  Now this one my friends, will be so much harder to attain than any of the stuff listed here, but perhaps it is the most important to me.  I really do want to be happy with myself and happy with who I am .

This journey is so much more than a journey – It is a lifestyle and a life changer.  I am committed to keep going and make myself the best me I can be.  I know it sounds corny, but its true.  I gotta Keep Swimming!

Keep checking back throughout the year to see how I do!

How about you? What are you goals for this year? I’d love to read them!

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Milestones

Double Unders …. Check!

 

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That’s right folks! Those pesky double unders – I did them today!!!! More than once! Now, granted the most I got was 2 in a row, but I did it!!!! For those of you who have no idea what a double under is – it is when you jump rope and the rope goes under you 2 times in 1 jump.  I have literally been working on this since March, so this is a BIG deal.  HUGE. When I did it, I was so shocked, I stopped and had to double check that I did it.

They look like this : http://youtu.be/2TfjmxeUsIs

These past couple of weeks have been amazing for me. I feel like all these months are really coming together. Pullups, ring dips, and now double unders!  It is freaking awesome and I love it!

For so long I have been looking for something amazing, I wanted to do something amazing.  And though this is not what I was thinking of, you bet your ass I found what I was looking for.  I am on my way to being a fit person….me, who’d thunk? I am happy.  So very happy with this journey, I could cry.  And most likely will 🙂

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Daily Rants and Raves

Feeling good

Short and sweet this morning .

I am feeling good about myself and this journey.  Everything else in my life is going to shit, but the weight loss part and fitness part – I am feeling great.  I did my runs this weekend.  Triumphs !  Then last night at class, I kicked ass if I do say so myself.  And I finished first.  That never happens. Like Ever. I think it was the first time.  It was a fun WOD.

I am also so very blessed for the bags of hand me downs I keep receiving so I do not have to go out and buy a new wardrobe.  Thanks Danielle! Finding new clothes while trying to lose weight can be very expensive if you have to keep buying new sizes.  If you don’t have a friend who can give you their hand me downs, check out consignment shops and thrift stores to save some bucks.

Have a wonderful Tuesday Everyone!

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