Oh hello there world, I know its been a bit since my last post. Honestly, I have thoughts and ideas every day that I want to share, but I don’t have the easiest time getting them out of my head.
Here is my latest health update , for those keeping score, we are at a total of 10 doctors and yet I still do not have an actual diagnosis. However, the current medication I am on, the Actemra injections 1x a week , seem to be actually working (knock on wood). The Saxenda injections on the other hand, not working. All It seems to be doing is giving me bruises. My left knee is still giving me problems, it sucks. I have been waiting so long to feel good and its like , hang on a sec, we can’t possibly allow you to FULLY feel good. Ugh. Double ugh with cheese. Mayor of Ugh City.
On a positive note, next Wednesday I start my journey with weight loss surgery. To be honest, I feel like this is a last resort, but I also feel like a complete and utter failure. I failed myself with bad decisions and bad choices. The sad part is, I really just realized this. I wasted years of my life and I just hope its not too late to get my life back. Then again, its been so long, I don’t even know what that would mean. I don’t even know what this life I long for is.
How terrible is that? Spending years wanting something and never making it materialize. Story of my life. When you break it down , I just want to be happy. I have spent my entire life in search of happiness. Pure happiness. They did not call me Morbid Megan when I was a teenager for nothing . Now I am Morbidly Obese Megan.
I want to be happy and content. Instead I am restless and depressed. In the past three years, My life has become my illness. Some days are not so bad, and some days are unbearable, and most days, I just deal with the pain. Stairs though – motherfucking stairs are the devil. My knee and stairs do not mix, never mind the fact that I am a Fatty McButterpants.
I hate the way I am . I hate the fact that my twisted sense of self brought me to this. I hate the fact that my body is failing me and it needs help, medically and mentally.
Now I know my mother had so much more shit to deal with and I cannot even come close to the turmoil that she had to endure on a daily basis, but I do know that I need to do everything in my power to be as healthy as I can so that I will be here past 61years old. I truly do not know how she did it, but I am so grateful she did what she could to be with us as long as she was.
My story is far from over. I need to live my best life possible , I say ” Just Keep Swimming ” to you all, but I am barely staying afloat myself.
Since my mothers passing, I have been searching for a way to honor her. I have a clearer mindset as of late and I think Mum would just want me to keep being me, despite the obstacles and shit that gets tossed my way on the daily.
My mother took on every day with joy in her heart. She faced every shot of medical bullshit dealt to her and made joke about it. She found joy everywhere.
That’s what I need to do and Christ, it is harder than it seems.
I make jokes about my weight as a coping mechanism, but Mum, she made jokes about her situation for us I think more than her self. And it helped, a lot. She kept believing for us. I used to think it was for her own sake, and maybe at the end it was, but it was a completely selfless act to help us cope I think. From her “luxurious suite “at the Brigham and Womens hospital, to her crazy impressions, or just the excitement over a ham sandwich made by my dad instead of hospital food, she found the light through the dark.
That is my mission. Find the light and be happy. Doesn’t seem so hard, but will probably be the fight of my life.
Don’t stop believing and Just Keep Swimming Everyone!
I would love to read how you find the good within the bad and the light through the darkness, please share with us!
This journey I am on has taken me some pretty cool places. Physical places and places within myself that I need to go more often. I keep using the word ” Journey” all the time, but , really, there is no greater word to use. Its not a secret that this year has not been my best. I have let myself down. But the biggest change within myself , by far, is that I am not letting myself be derailed. So while I may have not worked out in a month ( oh my fucking ugh) I have not lost sight of the goal.
This weekend, I took on one of the coolest things ever. Waterfall Rappelling. What the frack is that you ask? Lets go back to the beginning….
This past Thursday was my husband, Chad and I’s 15th wedding anniversary. We wanted to do something but not break the bank. So, a few months ago, we started looking and I found this deal on Living Social for Waterfall Rappelling. It was in the White Mountains of New Hampshire, I love the mountains. We decided it was a go. Bought the deal. We had a lot of questions and I have got to say, the owner of North Ridge Mountain Guides, Jamie, was amazing. We planned to go away for the weekend, with our waterfall excursion on a Saturday.
Jamie suggested The Bartlett Inn, in Bartlett NH. What a great place this was! Great owners at the Inn. We were complete pains in the ass. We had to arrive late on Friday, so we made several calls to make sure we would be all set. When we arrived on Friday and found a note on the door addressed to us with complete detailed directions to our cabin, I knew we were going to be good. It was a cute little cottage with 2 rooms. A big bedroom with queen poster bed and fireplace and another room with a mini kitchen and living room area. Then there was a jacuzzi tub in the bathroom. It was really clean, something I noticed right off the bat.
We had to meet the waterfall group at 9 am in Twin Mountain at the NRMG office. So, we got up early. The Inn offers breakfast every day. They have a special each day and if you do not care for that, you can go for eggs.
We walk into the main house and are greeted by a nice guy offering us juice or coffee. There is limited space for eating so they have a common waiting area and cycle folks in as others finish. We are then greeted by one of the owners, Nick. I cannot say enough about his personality. Just a great guy. He states that he knows we need to meet Jamie and says he is going to do something he does not normally do. He set us up for breakfast at a table in the main living area. He got us in and out with a delish breakfast. We then “officially” checked in, got our key and Nick even gave us directions to the office where we were meeting the group. We were on the road around 8:20 am. Now, I have an excellent sense of direction – Excellent. I am very good with directions. I do not get lost. Until this day. I drove right by it. When we are driving along in the White Mountain National Forest, I knew I had gone too far. So, the hubs called up and they very nicely gave us directions to turn around and head back . We arrived around 9:15 . I hate being late. Hate it. Felt like an ass.
Now this is where, the big steps on this journey are taken…. I walk into this place and am visibly the largest person in here, and I walked in late. Awkward. We are greeted by Jamie and Travis. Super nice guys. We start cracking some jokes and start chatting with the others waiting. And I am like – shit this is real and we are going to do this. We got our harnesses and our helmets.
There were 10 of us in the group. We got in our cars and we caravan to the site where would would hike, then hit the waterfall. We parked and got our stuff together and headed down the trail. It was the ” Falling Waters Trail” .
We had to go under the highway to get to the trail, we were greeted by these 3 forest rangers or workers. One of them was this little older bitty with purple hair. She was fierce! They told us it was about 1.3 -1.4 miles to Cloudland Falls. An 80 foot waterfall. I wore my sneakers, I didn’t have hiking boots and realistically, I was not going to buy some just for one day. It was a trail, so rocks to climb up, mud to get around, uneven ground. We had to cross the river a few times, at this point, we were going to get wet anyways, so it didn’t matter.
Honestly I thought I was doing okay with it. We stopped a few times on our way up. Stayed together. Jamie mingled in with us while we headed up, I thought that was cool. He spent time with all of us. About 1 mile in I was dying. It didn’t help that the whole time, there are dogs running back and forth no problem. then , not just big dogs, but little ones , with their little legs. what the hell? here I am dying and these little puppies are running along, no problem. All I kept thinking was ” Are we there yet? ” and ” Just keep walking “. I was bringing up the rear when I asked Travis how far we had left, and thank the Sweet Baby Jesus, he said its right up ahead. And it was! We set up at the base of these beautiful falls.
Jamie gave us a lesson on the equipment that we would be using and set up some ropes so we could practice while Travis headed to the top of the falls to set up the ropes. He explained the hand signals they use as well . So, we get our harnesses on and I have a mini panic attack, cause I can barely get this thing over my fat ass. Thank goodness, I just had to loosen it. It was very odd to wear, but we were all wearing them, so, not so bad! I get in line to try it out and he shows me this tiny little strap thing. I cannot for the life of me remember the name of the piece. But it is like a little piece of fabric sewn together. You take this fabric and tie it through your harness and it is what the carabiner hooks onto . The other end is hooked to the rope. So of course he is explaining all of this and my only thought is, this guy is out of his tree. Like not just out of his tree, but he fell out, hit his head and forgets what a tree is. I ask – ” This little thing is going to hold me? ” His response – ” Absolutely” He goes on to explain the ratings on the equipment and what they mean. Basically, I was getting freaked out and the equipment was rated for 5000 lbs. Once we were all confident with trying it out, it was time to climb the rocks and head to the falls. I raise my hand to go first. I figured, if I can do it, anyone can.
The trail from the base of the falls to the place where we were starting from was hell. We literally had to climb up rocks, then walk over more rocks, trying not to fall off the edge and not to slip in the mud to get to the start point. But of course, who slips? Of course its me. I was terrified I was going to slip right down the side. I got right back up and got my footing, waiting my turn. Figured if I fell before the falls, then I would not fall to my death on them.
Two lines were set up with each guide assisting on each one. I ended up going second. So, I watched the first guy go, It took him a bit and then we hear the screaming. It was confirmed, they were “good screams” . Then its my turn . And I was hooked up and getting into place. Jamie went down with me the first part of the way. The Water was sooooo cold! They told us to watch out for green or black stuff on the rocks, its slippery. I start dropping myself down and Jamie is guiding me on where to go. It is a very surreal feeling. The rocks look slippery, but they are not. Once you get past that, its just dealing with the cold ass water. I started moving my way down. It was soooo freaking cool!!!! Such an awesome feeling. I keep moving , following my directions. Then I get to the spot. There is this spot in the falls where Jamie warned us that we would ” become stupid” and our IQ would drop. It is the spot where the water starts gushing on you and it is sooooo cold and you totally go stupid. At that point, my thought was ” make it to the bottom, make it to the bottom”. But that was no better, we ended in a pool at the bottom about knee high! Once you hit the ground, you had to unstrap yourself, release the rope and hand off your equipment to the next person. THEN – you bask in ultimate glory cause you just RAPPELLED DOWN A WATER- FREAKIN- FALL!!! We would cheer each other on when we got to the bottom. Got to meet some really great folks!
Then it was my husband Chad’s turn. He finished in about 4.5 minutes!!!! Faster than anyone!!! He will not let me live that down, lol.
It was so much fun, we did it again and both went down twice! Some folks even did 3 times! After everyone was done, it was back down the mountain to end our day.
Here are some pics of me on the waterfall:
At the bottom! Success!
This was one of the coolest, most awesome, things I have ever done. Being someone who is overweight, I don’t always think I can do these things. It was a huge thing for me to step out of that comfort zone. I didn’t let the weight stop me . And though I plan on getting rid of this weight, its here for the moment and I am not going to let it stop me. We are already planning on going back up north next summer and trying ziplining! That does have a weight limit, but I will for certain be under it by next summer.
For now, I am happy to be a plus sized adventurer.
Once we got back to the inn, we were starving. We hit up a local mexican restaurant, Margarita Grill. To say the Margaritas were delish or amazing or awesome does not do them justice. I got the Strawberry Lemonade Margarita and the hubs got the Jalapeno Margarita. SOOOOOOOOO GOOOODDDD!!!! Food was excellent as well. Then it was back to the inn for a fire pit.
The Inn put on this great fire pit with marshmallows for the kiddos. We brought some chocolate and graham crackers to share. We brought along some adult beverages too. It was so nice. We sat by the fire and chatted up with the different families. We ended up staying out with the inn keeper and some of the guests til 10 pm. The sky was full of stars, so beautiful.
This was a weekend I will never forget , for so many reasons. I challenged myself and I conquered the waterfall!!!
I know I sound like an ad for these companies, in no way did I receive any compensation for this. These are my opinions. I just want to share our experience because it really was great.
If you ever go the the White Mountains of New Hampshire, explore! There is so much to see and do. I have been going to the mountains since I was a kid and to have such a magnificent new experience is something I did not even think of.
Stepping outside your comfort zone is good , taking the highway there is even better!
Yesterday I participated in my second 5k. Color Me Rad at Kimball Farm in Haverhill. I was completely unprepared for this, but for me, this race was not about beating my time, it was about hanging with my girls, having fun and getting messy with colors being thrown at me. Mission Success!
For those who are unfamiliar with a Color Run – you wear light colors and run/ walk the race . Through out the race there are different stations where they throw corn starch ” Color bombs ” at you. So, by the end, you are basically a tie dyed mess. The colors washed off when I got home, but the laughs are going to remain 🙂
There were tons of people there. I went with my friends Kristina, Christel, and Melissa. Loud music, stage with folks dancing and being silly to win prizes, free iced tea and picture ops. We got in line to get our numbers and we were told there were no more safety pins. That started our day of laughs, how were we going to keep the number on ourselves? I opted for placing it in my cleavage for the time being. We got our t shirts and we got sunglasses. They had photo ops in different spots, we took our ” before ” picture and took some with the color bombs in different poses. During the wait in one of these lines for pictures, I started asking folks if I could have 1 of their safety pins. Eventually we got 4 from random people so we could at least have our number pinned to us somehow. After that, We hung out for a bit until it was time to get in line for our wave.
Here is our before pic – complete with the Photo Bomb !
And we were off, it moved really slow, so I was psyched, thinking ” Okay, maybe I CAN run this”. We ran into our friend Jen from the gym during the first stretch. Then we round a corner to this ridiculous hill. Steep and covered in mud – not intentional for the race, but mother nature. The first “SWEET BABY JESUS” of the day was let out. So here I am trying to climb this stupid hill , they had these little ropes for people to hold on to, my feet keep slipping. All I can think is my feet are going to slip, I am going to fall and all these little folks behind me are going to be knocked over like bowling pins when my body comes crashing down the hill. Thank goodness I made it to the top with no crashes!
We get to the top and see the lay of the land. Or rather should I say the slant of the land. The course was carved out of the fields of the farm, basically, they mowed part of the field and created the track. So, yeah, the grass and unevenness of the path was wonderful to attempt to run on. I cannot imagine how many rolled/ sprained ankles there were. It was really hard to run on for me. So, at that point , Melissa and I opted to walk it. Which still was difficult, but there were tons of people who made the same decision. They had different photogs set up along the route, so when we got close, we would do actions shots like we were running. Make it look good, lol. So, we kept moving, we hit all the color stations. One of them was this liquid blue one, brrr… it was cold. Got all over my hands too, I looked like Violet Beauregard from Willy Wonka.
We trekked through the course and finally had the finish in our sites. I tried to run down the finish line, it was soooo un even, lucky I did not not trip. But at the finish were my girls, cheering us on. Awesome feeling! We ended up with a time of about 50 minutes. I didn’t think that was too bad, since my running 5 k time is 45 minutes. But honestly, who cares? It was about having fun. At the finish we also got to see 2 of our other gym gals, Kelly and Cristina come across the finish.
The absolute best part of they day was watching Melissa’s friend Jen make her way to the finish line. It was her first 5 k. I remember mine and the feeling of accomplishment is so overwhelming when you make that commitment to yourself. It was a really tough course to do as your first 5k. I don’t even know her, but I was so proud of her. I am so glad I got to share in her moment.
Its moments like those that make this journey so freaking awesome. We meet these amazing people and we all share the same goals. We all cheer each other on. Its just what we do. Cause, who doesn’t need a cheering squad, right?
Here are some more pics from our day :
So, no, I did not break any personal records.
So, no, I did not run the whole thing.
So, no, I will not be making the cover of Runners Weekly.
But, I had one hell of a day ! It was a freaking blast and I cannot wait to have even more people to do it with next year.
Here we are in December. It has been 9 months since I started working out. I have had an amazing year. I have done things and accomplished things I never dreamed possible. I have made some truly amazing friendships. I have grown so much. I believe in myself. I was not able to say that at the beginning of the year. I am proud of myself!
Well, I have mentioned it before, I was the lucky recipient of some hand me downs courtesy of my cousins bestie. There was this dress in there that I loved, you know, a fancy dress. Didn’t know where I would wear it, or even if it would fit. So, yesterday we had ” Pre- Christmas” It was just a small get together but I figured I would give the dress a go.
I thought this was a good time to do a progress update. So here goes:
I felt amazing in this dress. I don’t know why. Maybe because it zipped the first time without a struggle, maybe because I did not need to wear any ” Suck me in” undergarments, I think it was just because I looked good!
Holy moly! I am saying I looked good – you are darn right!
I am the living embodiment of hard work paying off.
So lets crunch the numbers :
To Date Weight Loss : 38.7 lbs!!!!!
Present Size : 16 – down 4 sizes!
Hard Work People is the ONLY way to get results that last . I am so thankful for the blessings this year has brought me. Gotta Keep Swimming!
Yesterday my daughter had a birthday party at a local roller skating rink. She is 6 so my fear was having to go out and roller skate with her since she has never done it before . I, myself have not roller skated since middle school. Plus in middle school, I was not wicked over weight .
So , this was going to be a challenge . I wanted to show my daughter how to do this, but mentally, I was terrified . So what did I do ? I bucked up , tossed on some skates and got myself a Rollin’ . I never realized how much of a core exercise roller skating is . I found myself using more of my core than my legs . Thank goodness for Cross Fit !!
We had a great time ! I don’t think if I was not on this journey , I would of been able to do as well.
This is part of the whole reason I am doing this . To be able to enjoy these moments . And that my friends is the best ! Gotta keep swimming !
So seriously, you all know how me and running are not good friends…..well tonight my peeps, I found a way to make it a wee bit easier…… Let me explain…..
Tonight was really tough. It was blistering heat and humidity to boot. Lets just say this – after the warm up, I was sweating bullets. Ready to die. Then came the 12 minutes of squat cleans ” for practice” . granted, I needed the practice but doing this ahead of the WOD made it so much harder. Then came the WOD – Man makers and 200 meter runs – AMRAP. Can I get a “SWEET BABY JESUS?!?!”
Holy Moly – it was a killer. Plus we did it out side which, i will admit, was better than doing it in the gym. So, we are busting our butts and one girl comes back and says there are some sketchy guys by the spot where we need to run to. So, me being the goof I am, start rubbing my belly and shaking it. That will stop them from leering at my classmates!
So I run, and get to the spot where sketchy dude is at and I start shaking it! Shaking it while running! Holy Shit! I swear I moved faster! Then of course I had to start singing ” Milkshake”…
I think this is hilarious ^^^
I had some fun, cause if you are all serious, you are never gonna get anywhere, live a little and you will go far.
Plus I found out shakin it, make me move my booty faster. I can’t exactly see me running a marathon shakin it but, hey, there is always a first time for everything! How about we start the first shakin it run? How fun would that be? We would only be able to shake it for a little bit , but wouldn’t it be funny to see a sea of people running towards you , shakin it? HA!
We had some laughs, we had some fun, we worked our asses off and we kept swimming. It was a GREAT workout!