I had a good run. From February to September has been the longest time I since I got sick that I have been relatively flare free. A few small little flares , but otherwise, its been good. The past month or so , I have noticed the flare getting worse. It hasn’t subsided.
Arm pits sore, necklace of pain in full effect. Whole Body soreness. I know I have said it before, I am so fucking over this.
I have an appointment with my Rhumy coming up, I am not even sure what he can do at this point. But I am going to try and be positive. I am hoping maybe something will explain why the sudden flare.
Its very hard to be positive. I am trying, I swear, its just so damn hard. No one understands , because no one knows what the fuck this is. Like, if you have a disease, chances are there are other patients who you can relate to and who understand what you are going through. With Meganitis, I ain’t got shit.
While I am thankful that this is not something that has killed me and I am thankful it is not worse than it is, it truly is awful. I have resigned myself to the fact that this is something I will never be able to give a proper name and that I will have to deal with the rest of my life. I just wish the treatment was working.
It’s a terrifying thought that I will potentially be in pain for the rest of my life. On the Brightside, I guess I can say that I now have a high tolerance for pain.
I am sorry for throwing the pity party. Some days this really just gets to me and the constant pain I have been in today is exhausting.
Thank you to all of you for coming on the swim with me. The ups and downs , its nice to have some company on the ride.
Let me just start off by saying how ugh I am right now . I am so incredibly pissed at myself and Wednesday nights workout was the icing on the damn cake .
I realize I have sucked lately , I am trying to get my groove back and failing miserably . I am trying to eat better and get this extra weight off that I put back on , I think I’m doing good and bam! Wednesday failure , fucking ugh . And I have no one to blame but myself but, throw me a fricken bone here !
So yesterday , here’s what happened:
Wednesdays workout was :
1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10 thrusters (I used 60 lbs)
20-18-16-14-12-10-8-6-4-2 box jumps ( I used 12″ box with 45 lb plate )
So it was thrusters, box jumps , thrusters , box jumps , you get the idea. I love box jumps , since I have been able to get on the box , it is my most favorite move , by far . So I was pumped for this , figured I could finish this in the time given. Thrusters would suck but I could do this . Timer goes off and we start going . For as long as I can remember when ever I do any sort of physical activity, my face gets red, I can feel it. Always been that way . This was an intense workout so of course I am going to be red. I didn’t think too much of it when my coach Jane came over to check on me , they usually check in with everyone , we get amazing personal attention . But as the workout went on , I could tell I was off , way off , to the point where I knew I had to stop. I was fighting back tears because I once again let myself down on something I CAN do and do pretty well. I stood by the window to get some fresh air and Jane checks in on me again and tells me I have gone from ” bright red to gray” a hilarious thought actually but serious and shitty . I sat down , I was shaking , trying to breathe / catch my breath. I just sat there and watched the rest of the class finish . My friend Jen, grabbed me a protein bar and it hit me that I hadn’t eaten much that day . I wolfed that sucker down . What a fuckin idiot I was , I was doing this workout and only ate a bowl of American chop Suey the whole day ! So stupid !
I feel like I am constantly failing myself and its driving me nuts. This journey is all me. No one decides this – just me. It is so mental its crazy. I have been stuck and I swear its tar. I was so upset driving home.
But, it was just one workout. One day. As much as I feel stuck and frustrated, the old me would of been derailed. So, what did I do?
I went right back to class Thursday and was psyched!
Thursday I finished my workout in time and PR’d my Front Squats! Oh Fucking Yeah!
Here is how I did:
Front Squat Strength 5×3
3 x 65lbs, 3 x 65 lbs, 3 x 75 lbs, 3x 75 lbs, 3 x 80 lbs! <————— PR BABY!!!
Workout for Time
5 Ring Dips
25 Double unders
I am still on the green band to assist with my dips, but I was finally able to lock my arms and keep the rings closer to me. It felt great! The DU, Coach Holly let me use her speed rope. Boy! I did so much better than I have done lately with them. I whipped the shit out of myself, but I did more DU’s than I have in such a long time, it felt so good.
Now, the ultimate sign, that yes, I am growing and changing. Today my office got take out from Kelly’s Roast Beef. A Boston classic. I have written before about their cheesy fries. Good Lord are they delicious. I opted for the grilled chicken sandwich. Yes, I suppose a salad would of been the healthiest choice, but for me, resisting the cheesy fries as they danced in front of me, tray after tray after delicious tray, was a VICTORY.
I have to keep swimming along, if I don’t , I am going to sink to the bottom, and AIN’T NO BODY GOT TIME FOR THAT!
For those who have seen the Sweet Brown Video – enjoy. If you have not seen it, check it out. It is Hilarious!
So, this week has not gone the way I want – like, at all. Monday, was Labor Day, I had to work, not bad, but there was no class on Monday due to the Holiday. Understandable, so I signed up for Weds, Thurs and Sat. So great, gonna make class 3 times this week. I was excited to get back into my routine, kids in school, me in class!
Cha right! Wednesday I made the horrible decision to purchase my lunch from a local mexican restaurant (that will remain nameless) on rt 1 in Lynnfield. Not even a half hour after eating, my stomach turned, I was in so much pain and in the bathroom so much I would not stay at work, let alone go to class that night. It was horrendous. I can’t say for certain that it was the food I ate that made me sick, but according to everyone I spoke to , I had classic food poisoning. It did not clear my system until 8 that night. Ugh. So Wednesday – no workout 😦
Then, Thursday my kids had off of school, which meant my son did not have band practice, so I had to get in some school shopping that night, because they needed supplies and I could no longer put it off. So Thursday – no workout 😦
Come to today – I was signed up for the 8 am class since that was the only class open. I was psyched to go to class. Ah – no. My husband had to work, and my son had band practice at 9 am. I tried to find him a ride, to no avail. There was no way I could go to class and get him to practice on time. So today – no workout 😦
I know how this all sounds, like I am a whiny bitch. I get it.
One one hand, I am a Mom and wife. They come first. All other things take a back seat to my family. On the other hand, I need to do things for ME. Just for ME. And my classes, they are like oxygen, I need them. I know, I am being dramatic, but I need them! I have come so far in these 5 months. I need to keep going. I am terrified when I miss a class or can’t get to class that I will fall into the old routine. One class will become 2 , then 3 and then I am back up to 269.7 pounds. These are my patterns and this is a journey. I just don’t want to make the same mistakes that got me here in the first place. I am trying to conquer myself. Does that even make sense? I don’t know.
What I do know is – I am going to head out for a walk/possible jog after this post. Then come in and do some exercises. It’s not the same as my classes. There is no support and no one pushing me, but it is better than doing nothing. So I can at least try and stay loose for my return to class next week.
I am trying to change . I am trying to be better at me. All of this will make me better for my family. That is why it is so damn important that I don’t fail. I can’t let me get me.
I cherish my successes. I know I sound corny, but I am so damn proud of what I have done, for me this is fantastic. I just don’t want to lose this or this feeling.
Sorry for the rant today folks, just had to get it out.
Normally, when I see that there are running elements in my workouts, I prepare. Mentally and Physically. I will do stretches through out the day, on my lunch, I will walk on my heels down the hall, push down on my calves as I go up the stairs, you know, little things during the process of my day. I believe that is what is making it easier for me to run, or saunter-jog if you will. Well, yesterday, I forgot. SWEET BABY JESUS! Did I ever pay the price!
The first run – I did ok – the second – Oh my Sweet Baby – thought I was gonna die. I ran the whole thing, but when I was done, my calves were in so much pain, it was really hard to get up the stairs back into the gym. One of the things I was taught on the stairs is to hang you heels off the stair and press down on them, it helps a lot, but last night – it hurt so bad.
After i made it back into the gym, box jumps was part of the next round. I love box jumps – now that I can do them, I like them a lot. I could barely get myself on the box. That was beyond frustrating.
I fucking hate that my body sucks. And I fucking hate that my body is huge. And I fucking hate that I am trying to better myself here and I can’t do things! What the hell?!?! It is beyond frustrating. I couldn’t even do the last run. I have never said ” I can’t” in any workout to any move since I started. And last night I said it – ” I can’t do the last run” It was devastating to me. Completely devastating. UGH
I know, I know, it will get better when I lose some of this weight, but it is such a kick in the stomach, trying to do this and not being able to.
If you can’t tell, part of tonight’s work out was, Wall Climbs. Tonight’s WOD was Wall Climbs, Step ups, and Plank Rows. Going into the work out, I was pretty confident I could do the parts of it and finish my usual last. Didn’t really factor in the current heat and humidity we are experiencing right now here in New England. And also not factoring in the combo of my fat ass and the heat and humidity. So, yeah, that was a great combo.
I was dying during the first set of Wall Climbs. As each round came, I would lay there face down with my face in my towel. I suppose I should not even call them Wall Climbs, more like Back up Fall downs…. After laying face down on the floor between reps, once I got back up, I swear to Christ, my arms were gonna collapse. It was rough.
This whole week has been rough. I feel sore all over. I am exhausted. Maybe its the heat ? Heat and I have never really been good friends. Maybe its that I over did it this weekend? I dunno, I just know that this week , has been a rough one. Its almost like I am in a funk, but not as deep as I usually get and I am not sure why.
I had a REALLY hard time tonight. Arms trembling, ready to fall over. I hate that feeling. I love being pushed and knowing I am accomplishing something. I hate feeling like I can’t do something. At one point doing the plank rows, I thought I could not move my arms. I was seriously gonna sit and cry. I know, I know, crying is for girlie bitches, but I was overcome and I didn’t.
You know, I have being doing really great at this, losing weight and inches, feeling good. But when I ever saw myself in pictures from my friends wedding this weekend, I couldn’t help but feel like I had not done a thing. I know that this is all in my head, and I still have so far to go, but I think I thought I would notice a difference. I wasn’t expecting to look like I did in high school, ( but wouldn’t that be awesome?), but I thought I would notice a difference. I know there are changes happening, my clothes fit better, I am down sizes, down pounds and inches. I guess I can see why so many people give up their journeys. This takes a long ass time.
BUT – MORE THAN ANY OTHER JOURNEY – THIS IS ONE THAT I WILL KEEP SWIMMING ON, I WILL KEEP GOING AND NO MATTER WHAT – I WILL FINISH! NO MATTER HOW LONG IT TAKES!
So tonight’s workout had running in it, my most formidable foe.
It is no secret, me and running, we are not friends. I want to have a relationship, but running is just not ready to give me what I need. Or mainly my body is not ready to make it happen.
My calves seize up like you would not believe. It sucks and not to mention, painful. It feels as if my legs have been dipped in lead.
We had to do (2) 800 meter runs. My second run, I was seriously considering crawling back to the gym cause they hurt so bad.
I am Frustrated! I know, I know, what else is new? I knew we were running last night when the work out was posted. I prepped for it, knowing my calves tighten up. I did stretches through out the day. I stretched last night. I mentally prepared – psyched my self for it! Hoping that all of it, would make it a lil bit easier. Ah, no. Alas it did not.
What stinks is I get going, feeling good,keep telling myself to Keep Swimming, then I pass a dumpster ( that belongs to my company 🙂 ) and then my calves start to go. Always the same spot. UGH!
It took me forever, but at least I finished tonight. Its all progress.
I will get there. I want to. Hopefully as I loose weight and get stronger, it will be easier for me.
So yes, a few posts ago, I was jumping for joy over the fact I could do a proper lunge. With proper lunge technique comes more advanced lunge exercises. Tonight was one of those exercises.
Tonight’s workout was a kettle bell work out. I had no issue doing the clean and Jerks, and no issues doing the hand to hand swing. But the mother f’er Alternating Overhead Kettle Bell Lunges were seriously a killer for me. I could of whipped this work outs ass, instead I landed on mine. Literally, was struggling so bad in my last round, I tried to get up from the lunge and fell to the ground. Right in front of my whole class, who was already done their work out. My coach tonight, Dan, was great and really encouraging without making me feel like an ass for taking a digger.
My class at BeFit Health and Wellness is seriously full of amazing, encouraging people, who were cheering me on as I struggled to finish and get those damn lunges done. I have only known these people for a couple of months, but this community of people I belong to are truly supportive and downright amazing. Thank you 6:30 crew!
As most of you know, I am an emotional person, so as I fell to the ground, I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes. So now, the embarrassment of falling is setting in, the frustration of the difficulty I am having with the move, and the exhaustion from all of it, its all swirling in my head. Normally when I start crying, I can’t stop, so I sat there for a minute, trying to breathe and holding it in the best I could. I figured that if anyone noticed, they would just think it was sweat, cause I was soaked.
I took a minute, then got back up and finished those damn lunges. Of course the thought went through my head to give up, or ask for a modification. But I didn’t. I finished every round of those lunges. And after all that – damn it felt good.
Lunges are still a battle, but I gotta keep fighting. I gotta keep swimming… How else am I gonna get through it without falling over?