Milestones

It’s Been A Year

It’s been a year since I got the midday call from my dad on a Monday, that Mum was on her way back to the hospital.  This time for trouble breathing and subsequent low blood pressure and low heart  rate.

It’s been a year since the last time we laughed together. Watching Wheel of Fortune in the ICU, and laughing over her insistence that Nurse Steve was Doctor Steve, but if you asked him, he would say that he usually cleans the floors.  I went to the hospital after work, like I usually would do when she was admitted. Didn’t matter if it was Lawrence General or Brigham and Womens,  I would head in after work.  It got to be the norm, even if it was just for a half hour.  The plan was to get her temporary pace maker put in until they could stabilize her for the permanent pace maker the next day.

It’s been a year since my mother had to have her temporary pace maker put in . I went to the hospital after work as usual.  She was sedated when I got there from the surgery and the nurse said he was going to make sure she was comfortable .  We thought things were good, so we left for the night.

Its been a year since my sister Rachel and I went to dinner  after the hospital.  We went to Burtons in North Andover. We both got some sort of Thai bowl and substituted chicken instead of some sort of Tofu type product.  It was quite delish.  We ate, dinner was uneventful and we said our goodbyes for the evening .

It’s been a year since I got the call on rt 93 south right before the 128 split.  Rach said we needed to get back to the hospital now.  I flew off the highway and turned around and drove like a madwoman back to the hospital.  I remember I kept telling myself = ” As long as I am not there yet, she is still alive” Like it was a Schrodingers cat situation.  I just kept repeating it.

It’s been a year since I arrived at the hospital and found my dad in the parking lot.  We made our way inside to the ER since that was the only door that was open.  I was greeted by our friend/sister Andrea .  I will never forget the hug she gave me.  She wrapped herself around me and we held hands as we were escorted to the ICU.

It’s been a year since I felt the stinging of my tears as I walked the hall to the ICU to find my mother in shock.  I cannot shake the memory of it.  I remember her face and the events like it happened 10 minutes ago. I remember crouching down at the foot of her bed and sobbing and thinking how can this be real?

It’s been a year since the family assembled , rallied in hopes of a positive out come.  It is a real testament to my mother and what an amazing family we have .   Sitting together outside the cardiac cath lab as they tried to save her.

It’s been a year since the doctor came out and told us our only hope is to send her to Boston since she coded for 10 minutes and there was not much else they could do for her there. My dad would of moved mountains if it meant for a chance for Mum to live.

It’s been a year since the group of us held each other as we waited for her to be returned to her room so we could see her.  Our group was 11 strong so we could not all wait in the ICU, we were relegated to the waiting room outside of ICU.

It’s been almost a year since the nurse came down to get my dad and inform us that she keeps coding.

It’s been almost a year since we made the decision that she had had enough.  And the next time she coded we would let her rest.

It’s been almost a year since we told her it was okay to go .  And that we would be okay. It was  the hardest thing my heart has had to do , telling her it was okay to go when all I wanted was for her to stay.

It’s been almost a year since I held her hand and kissed her head and told her how much I love her.

It’s been almost a year since it was August 2nd, 2017 at 12:15 am , when she left that body that jailed her for over 30 years , and became the best guardian angel any of us could ever hope for.

It’s been almost a year since my heart was immeasurably broken .

Not a day goes by that I do not think of her and all the joy she brought to our lives.  My heart hurts and I miss her so terribly.  I only hope I made her proud and she knew how much we loved her.

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Hug your loved ones tight and make every day count.

As Mum lived by =Don’t Stop Believing !!!

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