Hello my friends,
Well, this weekend, I overcame a big fear of mine. I went to my 20th High School Class Reunion. I wasn’t going to go, honestly. But I made a last minute decision to go, and I am so happy I did.
If you are a reading of this blog, you will be aware of my long deep seeded self esteem issues. I was not popular in high school, but I had friends, I was however – skinny. So skinny I thought I was fat. (This current body is God’s cruel irony ) So, given my current status – I weigh more than 100 lbs than I did in high school. I was not not exactly jumping on the high school reunion band wagon . Not that I could give 2 shits about what people think of me, but I didn’t want to be THAT person…. You know what I mean.
The more I thought of it though, my friends that I still keep in touch with from high school would be going, it would be nice to see them. Then my mom crossed my mind. She was Miss School Spirit. Cheerleader, color guard, on her reunion committee, if she was here, she would of made sure that I went.
So, I went . Not only did I go, but I put together the slide show for the event. ( And it worked, lol! ) My mother would be so damn proud. I had an incredible time. It was wonderful .
I did get dressed up. My sister Caitlyn did my makeup. I felt good. My fears melted away. I danced the night away with my gals.
When I was in high school my depression started. I felt horrible about myself, for no other reason than I was a moody teenager. No one made me that I way, I just was. My depression has followed me ever since , like my shadow. I would not say that I am as depressed as I was in high school, but I could definitly say that I am depressed.
It was weird, I got anxiety. Like super anxiety, on the way there. I wasn’t sure if people would recognize me. Granted ,I have been over weight since right after high school, but I just felt super self conscious. To boot , our name tags had our senior pictures on them, so I was dreading wearing my old face all night while people would be seeing my current face.
In the end, I overcame my fear and went to the reunion. I had a great time and those little fears I had going into it faded away .
My next fear I am trying to overcome is my Meganitis. I have been relatively flare free since February when I started the Actemra. Which has been amazing! But lately, little things are creeping up. My armpits were hurting last week, my fire skin is acting up ( though that really never went away ) , the advanced exhaustion that I get hit me like a ton of bricks the past few days , and today , I noticed I am sore. Mainly my legs, and not my arthritis knee,which fucking sucks.
We are in the midst of a crazy heat wave right now, its been in the mid 90’s, I am really hoping that my symptoms subside when it gets cooler. Tomorrow is shot day, Thank God. As much as it sucks not knowing exactly what my Meganitis is, at least I have holding it at bay. My fear is that another flare stretch is coming on and if its as horrible as the last one, I just don’t know what I will do. I am keeping an eye on it. I am thinking a visit to the rhumetologist is in the future, BUT I am going to be positive and not let the fear of my unknown assailant take me down. Fingers crossed that this passes . Especially now that I am trying to get my ass back into the gym. I need to workout.
All in all , fear can swallow us whole if we allow it. Overcoming it , now that’s the challenge.
Just Keep Swimming everyone!!!