Daily Rants and Raves

It’s My Birthday !

Yes, you read it right, its my birthday, July 4th.  Happy Independence Day America!

I will say, today has been a good day .  We have a cookout every year on the 4th with family and friends.  Its great to catch up with everyone.  I am very blessed that I have, what I feel, is a very close family.  I love them all dearly .

What royally sucks is , even still now, I keep waiting for my Mom to call and say Happy Birthday.  I know, I’m now 38 , but damn, I still miss her like she left yesterday.  This has loomed over me all day, and I can’t shake the ache in my heart.  Ugh, sucks.

In other news, I have officially hit 2 weeks post surgery .  I am feeling really good!  I am pretty surprised actually.  My right side is still tender, but that is subsiding as well.  I have to say, I really hate taking some of my medications as liquid instead of pill form.  I mean like recoil when I have it, can’t wait until that shit is over.  I am still mainly on Protein shakes but in this stage, but I have been having other stuff too. Nothing really solid, but I have had protein bars – had no problem with them.  I did attempt some chicken , small little pieces and I chewed very well, but that did not end well. Lesson learned.  Since it was my birthday, and I could not have the cheeseburger and chips I have become accustomed to at a cookout, I opted to give my sisters pulled pork a small try.  No roll of course, but a small scoop- I took my time with eating it and I had no issues! And it was delish! A scoop filled me up with was great.  Birthday Gods must of been having a convo with the surgery Gods and must of been like ” ok, let her have this one” , lol.  Also, I did not have any cake.  I made sugar free chocolate pudding and had some sugar free cool whip with it.  My daughter and nephew got me my bowl of it.  They brought me a bowl full of sloppy pudding and cool whip all mixed together, bless their hearts.  I could eat about a quarter of the bowl, if even that .  Its the thought that counts.

Since my incisions have not fully healed yet – that meant I had to stay out of the pool – on a 90 degree day.  Soooo, I got creative. I bought a little kiddie pool and filled it up half way.  Created my oasis next to the big pool. I could sit in it with out getting my stomach wet, but still keep cool in the water.  It was heaven.  I was cool, next to the action and my nieces and nephew kept popping in keeping me company – all while obeying the ” Auntie no splash zone”.  I just love those kids. ❤  The hubs even hung out with me for while in there until he defected to the big pool , can’t say I blamed him, lol.

Last night we spent with family at my sisters new home to see the fireworks in my home town. To say it as a scorcher, is an understatement.  It had to of been at least 95 degrees and humid as hell on top of it.  It did not stop us from having  a really wonderful time.  The fireworks were great and there were sparklers for the kiddos. ( supervised and very safe , just saying ) .

My daughter Maddie with her sparkler. She had so much fun!

All in all , I can say it has been a great couple of days.  Follow up appointments next week with my surgeons.  Hopefully I will find out when I  will be cleared to head back to the gym, cause I am itching to get working out.

Happy Independence Day Everyone!

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Daily Rants and Raves

Onward and Upward

Happy Saturday Everyone!

Well its been quite the week. Starting off on Sunday, my daughter and I took a walk out in the woods with my Dad lookin for birds.  She has become quite the little birder.  My dad set her up with her own binoculars, a field guide and a journal to keep track of all the new birds she sees.  I need to start walking .  Its just pretty painful with my arthritic knee.  In any case, I did he walk. I was dying .  By the end I was saying ” Just Keep Swimming” “Just Keep swimming”  It was a whopping mile walk.  I know I know -sad.

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I know its not much, but it was a struggle which in itself was eve more motivating.  I know this surgery is going to be a big boost for me if I do it right and follow the plan.   I did get a couple of pics of a butterfly we saw on our walk.

On Tuesday I started my Pre Op diet and had my preop testing .  I stocked up on Protein shakes, bars and greek yougurt.  I as stressing about it, but now on day 5 – I am feeling pretty good about it.  Its crazy but I actually felt good walking out of the hospital this week.

Looking forward to the next week ahead.

Hows your week looking ?

 

Don’t forget to head over to Facebook and give me  like.

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Daily Rants and Raves

Continuing the Journey

Hello World,

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How goes it?

Well, I have been continuing the weight loss surgery journey.  Latest steps were the Upper GI, which I thought was an endoscopy, so on the day of the procedure, I went to the endoscopy unit.  They looked at me like I had 2 heads, they told me I had to go back down to the ultrasound area.  I went there – that was wrong too. Ugh. Turns out it was an Upper GI and I had to go to this tiny room right next to ultrasound.

They call me in and I have to get into a gown and then they tell me I have to drink ” the stuff”.  Now, I had nothing to eat or drink prior to this, an it was later in the afternoon.  “The Stuff” is nasty.  I mean like heavy liquid chalk. It is technically called Barium something or other.  So they have me stand up against this table thing and drink, on command. I get shivers just thinking about it.  Then they tell me they are going to lay me back so I literally get to the point where I am laying down in this machine.

What better time to have me roll around ? Seriously.  Roll over, like I am a damn dog. A big huge, fatty mcbutter dog.  SO I roll over a few times , then I get to lay on my stomach and drink a different nasty drink  – with a straw ….. ooohhhh ahhhhhh.  Still gross.

Its over and the doctor tells me it looks like I do have a hiatal hernia.  My doctor had told me that this was common so I wasn’t too worried when they told me what they suspected.  Later that week, my doctor called me and told me that I do have the hernia and I also have a Schatzki Ring in my esophagus.  Never heard of that before, guessing most of you have not heard of it either.

A Schatzki ring, also known as a Schatzki-Gary ring, is a narrowing of the lower part of the esophagus — a muscular tube through which food passes to the stomach.

Now, I very rarely get heart burn or acid reflux.  I am not on any medication for them other than the occasional Tums.  But based on the Upper GI – I have to have an Endoscopy.  Like the real one this time.  I wasn’t too nervous – the nurse I had was very nice.  It’s weird, I had ” mild sedation” they said but all I remember is them putting the thing in my mouth so I wouldn’t bite the scope, then I woke up.  Nothing too exciting .

Because I am a crazy person, I am constantly checking my doctors patient gateway to see test results.  My endoscopy comes in and it confirms the ring , but then it starts in with some medical mumbo jumbo and I have no clue what it means. Even googling ( which is THE WORST thing you could ever do when it comes to medical crap ) and even then, I am still confused. So, I emailed the doc, then called, yeah, I am a pain in the ass.  He called me back tonight ( which I think is cool, that he called me tonight ) an told me that my endoscopy showed inflammation of my esophagus but it it not a deal breaker! I can still have the surgery !

Hooray !

I was really worried that it was something serious, but I am so happy I can keep on the path.

Next up the pre op diet – starting on 6/5.  2 weeks of the pre op diet to shrink the liver down .

Bring it on !

Whats new in your world?

Have a great week everyone!

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Daily Rants and Raves

Long Days and Long Thoughts

Oh hello there world, I know its been a bit since my last post.  Honestly, I have thoughts and ideas every day that I want to share, but I don’t have the easiest time getting them out of my head.

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Here is my latest health update , for those keeping score, we are at a total of 10 doctors and yet I still do not have an actual diagnosis.  However, the current medication I am on, the Actemra injections 1x a week , seem to be actually working (knock on wood).  The Saxenda injections on the other hand, not working. All It seems to be doing is giving me bruises.  My left knee is still giving me problems, it sucks.  I have been waiting so long to feel good and its like , hang on a sec, we can’t possibly allow you to FULLY feel good. Ugh. Double ugh with cheese.  Mayor of Ugh City.

On a positive note, next Wednesday I start my journey with weight loss surgery.  To be honest, I feel like this is a last resort, but I also feel like a complete and utter failure.  I failed myself with bad decisions and bad choices. The sad part is, I really just realized this.  I wasted years of my life and I just hope its not too late to get my life back.  Then again, its been so long, I don’t even know what that would mean. I don’t even know what this life I long for is.

How terrible is that? Spending years wanting something and never making it materialize.  Story of my life.  When you break it down , I just want to be happy.  I have spent my entire life in search of happiness.  Pure happiness.  They did not call me Morbid Megan when I was a teenager for nothing .  Now I am Morbidly Obese Megan.

I want to be happy and content. Instead I am restless and depressed.  In the past three years, My life has become my illness.  Some days are not so bad, and some days are unbearable, and most days, I just deal with the pain.  Stairs though – motherfucking stairs are the devil.  My knee and stairs do not mix, never mind the fact that I am a Fatty McButterpants.

I hate the way I am . I hate the fact that my twisted sense of self brought me to this.  I hate the fact that my body is failing me and it needs help, medically and mentally.

Now I know my mother had so much more shit to deal with  and I cannot even come close to the turmoil that she had to endure on a daily basis, but I do know that I need to do everything in my power to be as healthy as I can so that I will be here past 61years old.   I truly do not know how she did it, but I am so grateful she did what she could to be with us as long as she was.

My story is far from over.  I need to live my best life possible ,  I say ” Just Keep Swimming ” to you all, but I am barely staying afloat myself.

Since my mothers passing, I have been searching for a way to honor her.  I have a clearer mindset as of late and I think Mum would just want me to keep being me, despite the obstacles and shit that gets tossed my way on the daily.

My mother took on every day with joy in her heart.  She faced every shot of medical bullshit dealt to her and made joke about it.  She found joy everywhere.

That’s what I need to do and Christ, it is harder than it seems.

I make jokes about my weight as a coping mechanism, but Mum, she made jokes about her situation for us I think more than her self.  And it helped, a lot.  She kept believing for us.  I used to think it was for her own sake, and maybe at the end it was, but it was a completely selfless act to help us cope I think.  From her “luxurious suite “at the Brigham and Womens hospital, to her crazy impressions, or just the excitement over a ham sandwich made by my dad instead of hospital food, she found the light through the dark.

That is my  mission. Find the light and be happy.  Doesn’t seem so hard, but will probably be the fight of my life.

Don’t stop believing and Just Keep Swimming Everyone!

I would love to read how you find the good within the bad and the light through the darkness, please share with us!

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Daily Rants and Raves

Yes, I need to take a Nap

You read that right, I am a 37 year old mom of 3 who needs to take naps.  So damn what?!  As I am sure that anyone with chronic pain issues will understand the utter exhaustion that grips a hold of you every day .  While I am not experiencing the pain I have been as of late, the exhaustion never goes away.

I was recently outfitted with a CPAP machine.  I have “Severe Obstrusive Sleep Apnea”.  I went into it imagining myself like Darth Vader with my mask .

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Instead, I am more like Dark Helmet.  If you have seen Spaceballs, you know what I am talking about, and you have a wonderful sense of humor!  Anyways, my point being, my hope was that when I got the mask I would have all this energy and be full of life since I was sleeping better.  And yeah, no, not quite. Don’t get me wrong, it is definitely helping me.  My first follow up with the sleep doctor showed that I went from 66 times an hour not breathing to 1.2!  Pretty impressive… but still the exhaustion remains.

Just another symptom of Meganitis.

So yes, when I need to take a nap , I NEED to take a nap.

It is my hope that my exhaustion will get better.  But for now, I am a sleepy head.

I have to learn to listen to my body .

Easier said than done.

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Daily Rants and Raves

Surprised on a Sunday

Today started like any other day. Woke up , sore as hell.  Exhausted even though I went to bed early.  Hubs got me a coffee, which was wonderful.

I had the thought that I wanted to go see Mum today . I haven’t been to see her in a while, which I feel terrible about. So I figured ,its warmer today than it has been, so today is the day to take a ride over to the cemetery.  I did some tidying up and asked Maddie if she wanted to go for a ride with me.

I called my dad to see if he would be around, figuring that I would stop by to see him after we stopped over to see Mum.  He told me he was on his way to Salisbury to look for some snowy owls.  You see, my parents have been birders my whole life.  When we were kids we would all reluctantly be packed into the car to go look for birds.  My parents , bribed us in their own way.  To keep us interested, different birds were worth different amounts of money.  Hawks got you $.25, Owls were $.50 and eagles, well eagles were $1.00!!  I got blessed with really good eyesight.  While,my parents and sisters have all had to wear glasses, my vision is still very good.  In fact, I acquired the nickname ” Eagle Eyes” when I was a kid.

Maddie loves animals, loves owls .  We keep talking about how Papa will take her to find some owls.  So,my dad suggested that we meet him to go see if we could see some owls or anything else we could see.  We are on our way and he calls me to say he has found a snowy owl.  Not sure if it will be there when we arrive, but we are going to try .  Maddie and I drive over to the Salisbury reservation and meet my dad.  We pull up and I can see his telescope all set up next to his car, facing the marsh.

He tells us where the owl is , its pretty far out, but he tells me where to look, and I can see the little white spot without the binoculars or telescope. I look with the binoculars and there he is, a snowy owl sitting on top of a wooden structure in the marsh.  I show Maddie where to look and it takes a little bit, but finally she sees her first Snowy Owl. The look on her face was so precious. It was exciting for me too, when I was a kid, I had only seen 1 snowy owl.

Its low tide and we decide to check out the seals.  The seals are always on these rocks in the mouth of the river right before it goes out to the ocean.  You can usually catch them lying around with their big fat bellies . Excited due to low tide and the fact we have not only binoculars , but the telescope, its going to be awesome to see all the seals.

The seals were my favorite part of the birding trips when I was a kid.  I wanted to be a marine biologist . I wanted to be the person swimming with the killer whales at SeaWorld.  I gave up that dream a long time ago, but I was horrified to learn of the gruesome conditions the whales were subjected to at SeaWorld. Check out the Blackfish documentary if you don’t know what I am referring to .  However, my boys have reminded me that I could still be a marine biologist , I could still go back to school.

We head over to see the seals, and what the hell -there are NO fricken seals!!!  Never had I gone in the winter to see the seals and there has been none. It was such a let down.  Honestly, it was very strange.

We then traveled over to the Parker River Refuge on Plum Island to see if we might be able to see some more birds.    One of the tell tale signs of something to see is when you see a bunch of cars and they are not in a parking lot.  Sometimes they are lined up on the side of the road or parked in a weird way.  We find one of these spots.  We pull up and ask a man with binoculars if there is something to see.  He says there are 2 snowy owls.  One on a post near us and one on an Osprey post further away.  The closer one was pretty easy to see .  Maddie was able to see it.

 

Maddie checking out the owl
Maddie checking out the owl

We then went to see the other owl we were told about and lo and behold, sitting atop of the Osprey post was the owl.  It was pretty cool.  We decide to drive to the end of the island and see if there is anything else.  My dad spys a little white spot in the marsh, I take a look and to me it looks a blob of snow.Dad takes a look and says yup its an owl, I can see it eyes. I couldn’t.  But when it started to fly that kinda sealed the deal that it was an owl, lol.

We saw a total of 4 Snowy Owls today.  It was really special for me and I know it was for Maddie.   After we left Salisbury we stopped at Dunkins before heading to Plum Island.  While waiting, my dad turned and said to me ” you said you wanted to see Mum today, and you did”  I hadn’t looked at it like that but he is totally right.  My whole life looking for birds, I have only ever seen 1 Snowy Owl, and today we see 4.  Call it what you want, but I think it was a sign from her. A really great surprise today .

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Daily Rants and Raves

The Last First Thanksgiving

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We are on the cusp of the Holidays.

I am dreading this. How do I do the holidays without my mom? I know , I know, people lose people every second of every day, I am no different. I have lost before. It royally sucked when my sweet Gram passed in 2015.  And that year the Holidays were hard, but how do I do this?

For God’s sake, I can’t even write about how I am even going to begin to deal with this and I need to figure it out asap.  I just don’t know.

My daughter and I watch the Voice every week.  Our favorite is Janice Freeman, if you have watched it this season – you need to discover the absolute powerhouse that is Janice Freeman.  That being said, Janice was last to perform last night, well after my daughters bed time.  Right before Janice was about to come on, my daughter walks out of her room in tears, clutching her bunny she made with Nana, crying about how much she misses Nana.  Breaks my heart every time.  I kinda think it was Mum this time making sure she got to see the person she wanted.  I know its a stretch, but hey,I will cling onto anything I can , lol.

I am terrible at this. I really am . I need to be the one there for my kids when they are upset, especially when it is about Nana, and instead I am joining in the cry . Or crying everyday.  Like, when does this get better? When does the pain subside? I want to make my mom proud .  I feel like I was such a let down in her life.

I gotta find my way in this world and I don’t know how to take that first step.

I love writing this blog, It is such a release for me.  I think its time for a revamp, hopefully in the coming year, I can give it a fresh makeover.

Hope you will stay along for the swim.

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