I have been working on this one for over a week, forgive me for the past tenses.
After my mother passed away, my sisters and I decided to enroll all our girls in dance class. The same dance studio that my mother went to , the same dance studio that we went to. For years on Wednesday afternoons, we would make the half hour drive to Amesbury for our tap, ballet and jazz lessons. As I sat there waiting during my daughters class, so many memories flooded back. It didn’t help that literally amongst the picture collages on the wall were some pictures of my mom. Looking at her pictures, she was so full of life! She was so happy. She loved dancing, she loved dancing school, she loved the family that owned the studio. Its funny, so many people at her services commented on what a great dancer she was and how much she loved to dance, but honestly, I can’t remember when she was well enough in recent years to actually dance. I bet it had been 10 years or more.
It was so bittersweet, heartbreaking actually.
It seems like this week everything has been crappy. I am still dealing with armpit issue. They hurt so darn bad. Still. I went to the doctors on Monday. More blood work. If my levels were high, then Pet scan would be ordered. My levels are elevated by not high enough I guess. My doctor is also trying to get me on a different medication that may help me better.
In the meantime, I am still in pain and I am still sore.
I am struggling with my disease, that’s what the doctor is calling it. Though the whole thing isn’t fully named, I am really having a hard time. I don’t know even how to explain it. Just being is difficult. It is hard getting out of bed, getting dressed, all my daily activities. I have faith that I will get an answer eventually and that I will have a regimen that works for me. In the meantime though, Things suck.
I want to feel better, more than anything. I am terrified that I am cursed with my moms poor health and that I am doomed to follow her path. And I know, I know, situations are entirely different , and yes, I am most likely being dramatic, but I don’t want that. I don’t want to deal with this crap the rest of my life. I want to live the best life possible. I just don’t know how to do this.
I am wrestling with my emotions and reality. What am I supposed to be or do ?
I need to lose this weight. I need to be better and I need to move. But I can’t while I feel this awful on a regular basis . I need just need to have faith that answers and treatment plan will come soon . Its hard .
My mother always saw the light through the dark. The positive through the negative. The love above loss. I wish so much I could be like that , and I swear I am trying . I just at a loss on how to execute it.
Hopefully one day I will rise above and be able to live this life the best way I can .
Until then, I will just keep swimming.